adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Dead Of Fries

MURFREESBORO, TN—Longtime fries sufferer Chuck Milner died Monday, succumbing to the fat- and cholesterol-laden side dish after a brave 53-year battle. "Sadly, Milner's family has a history of terminal French-fried potatoes, with his father, sister and several uncles dying of it," family friend Richard Winningham said. "Chuck first contracted fries during childhood, and it intensified into cheese fries during adulthood, becoming, in his final days, full-blown chili-cheese fries." Donations to the Milner family, which in recent years had exhausted its savings on ketchup and Lawry's seasoned salt, can be made care of Winningham.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close