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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Area Man Determined To Make The Best Of Situation Comedy

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’ll “just have to put [his] head down and get through this thing,” area man Martin Mull, 70, told reporters Thursday that he’s made up his mind to make the best of the situation comedy he’s in. “Obviously no one wants to find themselves in a situation comedy like this, but that’s just how life is sometimes, so I might as well soldier on,” Mull said, adding that his predicament was simply “one of those unavoidable situation comedies that crop up from time to time.” “You don’t plan these things. You hope they don’t happen. But when you find yourself in a situation comedy like the one I’m up against, you just have to put it in perspective and focus on the finish line.” Mull said he was confident he would be able to find the silver living in his unfortunate circumstances, adding that “After all, it’s not like I haven’t been in shittier situation comedies than this.”

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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