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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Disappointed In Self For Already Being Full

GREEN VALLEY, AZ—Compelled by physical discomfort to set down the remainder of his pulled pork sandwich and discontinue eating the small mound of French fries still sitting on his plate, local man Shane Plimpton was said to be deeply disappointed in himself Wednesday for already being full. “Usually, I can handle a basket of mozzarella sticks and then a full entrée and still have room for a second beer, but this...this is just pathetic,” said a visibly downcast Plimpton, eventually turning his gaze away from the unfinished food items in disgust. “It’s hard to accept, but I’m actually stuffed. God, I’m better than this. I can’t be groaning and patting my full stomach when there’s still probably a dozen bites left. Where’s the dignity in that?” An utterly emasculated Plimpton was later seen placing his head in his hands and vowing to never let such a humiliation befall him again after a waitress stopped by to ask him if he needed a box for his leftovers.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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