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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man Disappointed In Self For Already Being Full

GREEN VALLEY, AZ—Compelled by physical discomfort to set down the remainder of his pulled pork sandwich and discontinue eating the small mound of French fries still sitting on his plate, local man Shane Plimpton was said to be deeply disappointed in himself Wednesday for already being full. “Usually, I can handle a basket of mozzarella sticks and then a full entrée and still have room for a second beer, but this...this is just pathetic,” said a visibly downcast Plimpton, eventually turning his gaze away from the unfinished food items in disgust. “It’s hard to accept, but I’m actually stuffed. God, I’m better than this. I can’t be groaning and patting my full stomach when there’s still probably a dozen bites left. Where’s the dignity in that?” An utterly emasculated Plimpton was later seen placing his head in his hands and vowing to never let such a humiliation befall him again after a waitress stopped by to ask him if he needed a box for his leftovers.

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