Area Man Down To Final Week Of Heyday

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Area Man Down To Final Week Of Heyday

CHICAGO—Following a nearly four-year period in which he was, by all accounts, living at the very peak of his existence, 26-year-old Brian Koning unknowingly entered the final 168 hours of his heyday Monday.

Koning unwittingly enjoys his seventh-to-last day at the top of his game.

Koning began his current halcyon days on June 23, 2005, when he moved into a loft apartment in Chicago with three old friends from high school. Since then, the Ohio University alum's daily routine has been a series of generally satisfying social interactions and life experiences that—beginning Monday at approximately 10:35 a.m.—he will forever look back upon with a pained sense of nostalgia.

"I'm having a blast," Koning recently said to a friend, oblivious to the next three decades of work stress and financial responsibilities that will one day lead him to resent ever having been this happy. "Work's great, life's great, I'm going out every night—I can't imagine things being better than this."

Although Koning claimed that he had a "super-tight" group of friends who would be part of his life "forever," sources reported that his two closest buddies will soon respectively enroll in a masters program at Berkeley and accept a computer programming job in Denver, causing their bonds of friendship to slowly dissolve over the next five years.

According to a number of erroneous statements Koning has made in the dwindling weeks of his prime, his romantic situation also appears promising.

"I really think Tracy and I might have a future together," Koning said of 27-year-old Tracy Krupman, whom he will soon marry on an emotional whim, and toward whom he will become incresingly embittered and even hateful over the next decade. "We have a real connection, and I think our best times are yet to come."

"And I'm really starting to settle into Chicago," continued Koning, who in three months will be forced to move to Tacoma, WA in order to care for Krupman's ailing father. "I can totally see myself becoming one of those 'Chicago guys' who lives here for the rest of his life. I love it out here."

While evidence suggests that Koning could conceivably prolong his life's pinnacle for another one or two years by leaving Krupman and following his dream of opening a trading cards and collectibles shop, the likelihood of this ever occurring is thought to be incredibly small.

Koning, who currently fills his weekends with volunteer work, regular exercise, and recreational travel, will reportedly soon be granted a minor promotion that will demand all of his free time without providing any additional satisfaction. He is then expected to begin a gradual slide into unfulfilling 60-hour work weeks highlighted by the occasional halfway decent nap.

"Things are finally looking up for me," Koning said in a poignantly inaccurate statement to his mother during a recent phone conversation. "All the hard stuff is behind me, and I feel like it's time to kick back and just enjoy myself. You know, really start living."

While social scientists believe heydays can last anywhere from one month to several decades—and may in some cases occur intermittently—Koning's personal apex is believed to be a fluke event that has no chance of recurring.

"The period of time that will come to be known as Mr. Koning's 'glory days' has actually exceeded the national average by more than six months," said Dr. Thomas Washam of the Brown University Department of Human Behavior. "Taking into account a number of variables, including the current financial markets and his father's hairline, I believe this young man should feel very lucky to have had his good run last as long as it did. Instead, he will most likely live out the rest of his life in a state of slowly mounting sadness and regret."

Koning, who is currently training for an upcoming triathlon, has remained blissfully unaware of the fact that he will soon injure his left knee, leading to persistent, lifelong pain that will make it difficult for him to play with his children, who will all grow up to despise him.

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