Area Man Excited Friend Is Getting Divorced

Top Headlines

Family

The First Years

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...

Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

They’re In A Fight Or Something

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Partying

Family

The First Years

Area Man Excited Friend Is Getting Divorced

PASCO, WA—Jim Sterling, 31, reported Monday that he's excited to resume his friendship with his soon-to-be-divorced buddy Andy Freiburg.

Sterling stocks up on groceries in preparation for the arrival of the newly divorced Freiburg (below).

"Awesome," Sterling said, shortly after learning that Freiburg was divorcing Katie Burello, his wife of four years. "The Ster-Frei combo is back in action!"

Sterling and Freiburg became friends when they roomed together as freshmen at the University of Washington, and they remained friends after college, with Sterling serving as a groomsman at the couple's 2000 wedding. However, after Freiburg was married, Sterling said he and his friend rarely socialized without Burello present.

"Katie's all right, I guess," said Sterling, who has never been in a relationship for longer than three months. "But she really kept Andy on a tight leash. After the wedding, I only got to see Andy about once a month, and Katie almost always tagged along. And she'd always cut the night short with some excuse, like that she had to get up for work."

Sterling said Freiburg just wasn't himself when his wife was present.

"Whenever Katie was around, Andy would get all boring," Sterling said. "He wouldn't do shots; he'd just sit there sipping on a light beer. He'd never use our catch phrases or talk about the dumb stuff we did in college, either. Instead, he'd drone on about some computer-animation project he was doing or some boring thing going on in his neighborhood."

"Well, this divorce proves what I've said all along: You can't drag a party animal like Andy out to the sticks and expect him to turn into Joe Suburb," Sterling said. "It's only a matter of time before the full moon rises. I'm sure that's why things didn't work out with Katie."

Area man

Sterling said he'd noticed Freiburg reverting to his pre-marital self over recent months.

"Andy never talked about Katie, but I knew something was up, because suddenly he was going out without her a lot more often," Sterling said. "He'd stay out later, and one night he even crashed at my place and called in sick to work. When he told me that he and Katie were separating, I was like, 'It's about time!'"

Sterling has been helping Freiburg during his time of need by cleaning his apartment and scouting out area taverns in search of good happy-hour drink specials.

"Andy's going to need a place to stay, and I have a couch with his name on it," Sterling said. "It'll be so cool to have him crash here. It'll be just like when we were in college. We can stay up all night and make fun of infomercials, and we can watch all the games together. It's going to be great."

Sterling said he's been rounding up other college friends, as well.

"Will's still single, and Dave lost his job the other day—talk about good timing," Sterling said. "Maybe we can start up our dart league again. We were the kings of Hunter's Pub."

Sterling said he's especially looking forward to "hitting the singles market" with his newly available friend.

"I figure he'll need at least a week to get himself back together, so during that time, we'll just drink at home and go to movies," Sterling said. "But after that, look out! I gotta admit, it's been pretty dry in my neck of the woods. He'll be getting all that rebound action, and I'll be there to collect his cast-off pity sex."

Freiburg, who has not yet heard any of Sterling's plans, was contacted for comment at his brother Dale's house, where he has been staying since Sunday.

"I feel worse than I ever have in my entire life," Freiburg said. "When I'm not working, I'm packing. When I'm not packing, I'm talking to my lawyer. When I'm not talking to my lawyer, I'm crying. It feels like everything is falling apart around me. I just want to be alone."

Next Story