Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea. “Oh boy, I can’t wait to find out what it is!” said Kahan, 32, adding that he was expecting something “mind-blowing” due to the fact that his girlfriend had been thinking for “quite a while” and had apparently even lost some sleep over it. “I was so eager to hear it, I asked if she couldn’t just tell me over the phone or even text me a hint, but she said it’d be better if we talked about it in person. Maybe there’s some kind of cool visual part?” At press time, a devastated Kahan had heard what his girlfriend had been thinking and told reporters he never, ever would have come up with that in a million years.

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