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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea. “Oh boy, I can’t wait to find out what it is!” said Kahan, 32, adding that he was expecting something “mind-blowing” due to the fact that his girlfriend had been thinking for “quite a while” and had apparently even lost some sleep over it. “I was so eager to hear it, I asked if she couldn’t just tell me over the phone or even text me a hint, but she said it’d be better if we talked about it in person. Maybe there’s some kind of cool visual part?” At press time, a devastated Kahan had heard what his girlfriend had been thinking and told reporters he never, ever would have come up with that in a million years.

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