Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea. “Oh boy, I can’t wait to find out what it is!” said Kahan, 32, adding that he was expecting something “mind-blowing” due to the fact that his girlfriend had been thinking for “quite a while” and had apparently even lost some sleep over it. “I was so eager to hear it, I asked if she couldn’t just tell me over the phone or even text me a hint, but she said it’d be better if we talked about it in person. Maybe there’s some kind of cool visual part?” At press time, a devastated Kahan had heard what his girlfriend had been thinking and told reporters he never, ever would have come up with that in a million years.

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