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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents

HOUSTON—Morton Schuitt, a distribution supervisor with DataTech Enterprises, is expected to work with these incompetents, it was learned Monday. "Can you believe the people I have to work with here?" the incredulous Schuitt said. "They can barely tie their own shoes, much less stick to a monthly distribution schedule." Sources indicate that for the money Schuitt is getting for what he has to put up with, it is a miracle he didn't leave DataTech long ago.

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