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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents

HOUSTON—Morton Schuitt, a distribution supervisor with DataTech Enterprises, is expected to work with these incompetents, it was learned Monday. "Can you believe the people I have to work with here?" the incredulous Schuitt said. "They can barely tie their own shoes, much less stick to a monthly distribution schedule." Sources indicate that for the money Schuitt is getting for what he has to put up with, it is a miracle he didn't leave DataTech long ago.

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