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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Feels Even Lazier When He Thinks About How Much ISIS Has Accomplished This Year

PEORIA, IL—Saying he was already dissatisfied by how little he’d accomplished, 33-year-old Kevin McDouglas told reporters Monday he felt even lazier when looking at the impressive list of achievements the militant Islamist organization ISIS had accumulated this year. “Jeez, in the same time it’s taken me to restain half the back deck, these guys have been out there making some real, tangible progress toward establishing a regional caliphate,” said McDouglas, noting that he couldn’t help but feel like he had wasted his summer after comparing how rapidly the jihadist group had swept through northern Iraq to his own inability to schedule a dentist appointment or clean out his car even with the week off he took in July. “I’d never even heard of them a few months ago, and now they’ve nearly wiped out an entire ethnic group? And here I’ve still got that pile of bricks in the driveway waiting to be placed around the edge of the garden.” At press time, McDouglas was reportedly feeling much better about himself after thinking about the eight pounds he’d recently lost in comparison to the leadership crisis al-Qaeda has been experiencing.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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