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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man Feels Even Lazier When He Thinks About How Much ISIS Has Accomplished This Year

PEORIA, IL—Saying he was already dissatisfied by how little he’d accomplished, 33-year-old Kevin McDouglas told reporters Monday he felt even lazier when looking at the impressive list of achievements the militant Islamist organization ISIS had accumulated this year. “Jeez, in the same time it’s taken me to restain half the back deck, these guys have been out there making some real, tangible progress toward establishing a regional caliphate,” said McDouglas, noting that he couldn’t help but feel like he had wasted his summer after comparing how rapidly the jihadist group had swept through northern Iraq to his own inability to schedule a dentist appointment or clean out his car even with the week off he took in July. “I’d never even heard of them a few months ago, and now they’ve nearly wiped out an entire ethnic group? And here I’ve still got that pile of bricks in the driveway waiting to be placed around the edge of the garden.” At press time, McDouglas was reportedly feeling much better about himself after thinking about the eight pounds he’d recently lost in comparison to the leadership crisis al-Qaeda has been experiencing.

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