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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Area Man Filled With Sudden Desire To Go Outside And Play Basketball

BLOOMINGTON, IN—For the first time in "a good year or two now," local man Nelson Greenley, 33, was struck by the sudden impulse to go outside and play some basketball Saturday. "I don't know if it's the the tournament getting started or just the nicer weather, but I could definitely get out there and shoot the rock a little bit," said Greenley, adding that he checked the local community center's website to see what the open-gym hours were just in case he also wanted to play at night. "I bet you Jeff [Sanburn] and Craig [Kearns] would be down to play. We could probably scrounge up a fourth to get some two-on-two going." At press time, Greenley was driving to a Dick's Sporting Goods to purchase an air pump and had placed a call to his mother to see if she still had his old basketball shoes from college, although reports confirmed he'll wind up shooting 32 jump shots alone before getting bored and going inside.

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