adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Finally Finds Bodymate

LARAMIE, WY—Longtime bachelor Nick Oakley has finally found the one woman whose body he has been looking for all his life, Oakley, 31, announced to friends at the Wheelhouse Tavern Sunday. "The moment my eyes met her body, I knew it was the one for me," Oakley said of Kristen, the 5'6", 34–22–28 brunette who apparently takes her yoga very seriously. "Even from the first time we met, it was like her breasts knew exactly what my hands were going to do. I can't imagine a better feeling than that." Oakley reportedly now regrets all the years he refused to believe that a man and a woman could truly have unconditional lust.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close