adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Finally Finds Bodymate

LARAMIE, WY—Longtime bachelor Nick Oakley has finally found the one woman whose body he has been looking for all his life, Oakley, 31, announced to friends at the Wheelhouse Tavern Sunday. "The moment my eyes met her body, I knew it was the one for me," Oakley said of Kristen, the 5'6", 34–22–28 brunette who apparently takes her yoga very seriously. "Even from the first time we met, it was like her breasts knew exactly what my hands were going to do. I can't imagine a better feeling than that." Oakley reportedly now regrets all the years he refused to believe that a man and a woman could truly have unconditional lust.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close