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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man Finally Finds Bodymate

LARAMIE, WY—Longtime bachelor Nick Oakley has finally found the one woman whose body he has been looking for all his life, Oakley, 31, announced to friends at the Wheelhouse Tavern Sunday. "The moment my eyes met her body, I knew it was the one for me," Oakley said of Kristen, the 5'6", 34–22–28 brunette who apparently takes her yoga very seriously. "Even from the first time we met, it was like her breasts knew exactly what my hands were going to do. I can't imagine a better feeling than that." Oakley reportedly now regrets all the years he refused to believe that a man and a woman could truly have unconditional lust.

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