adBlockCheck

Local

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime

98,344th Pair Leaves 32-Year-Old Man Entirely Sated

BOISE, ID—With what he described as "a deep sense of satisfaction," local man David Glean closed his laptop Tuesday after viewing his 98,344th pair of naked breasts, telling reporters he had seen enough bare bosoms in his 32 years to last him the rest of his life. "Well, I guess that's that," said Glean, letting out a contented sigh more than two decades in the making. "As soon as I locked eyes on that last set, something clicked in my head and I said to myself, 'Dave, if you don't see another pair of nude breasts again, you'll be fine.' I had never felt that way before." Glean estimated he could still watch another 1,446 ejaculated-upon female faces and at least three more Filipino dwarf fistings. 

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close