Area Man Finally Works Up Courage To Sexually Harass Secretary

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Area Man Finally Works Up Courage To Sexually Harass Secretary

EASTTOWN, PA—After seven years of prolonged glances and unsatisfied desires, Scott Winters, assistant vice president for Basin Financial, threw caution to the wind Monday, finally declaring his feelings and intentions for secretary Anna Davis through a series of suggestive gestures, inappropriate remarks, and anatomically exaggerated drawings.

Winters plans to approach Davis about eating out some time soon, if she knows what he means.

"I cannot tell you what a relief it is to finally get this off my chest," said Winters, 53. "Every morning while I'd stare at her through the blinds in my office for an hour at a time, my pulse would race thinking of all the things I wanted to say to her about her tight blouse. But I could just never find the words."

Winters, who had "never believed in lust at first sight," said he had nonetheless been infatuated with Davis, 32, since he first laid eyes on her cleavage soon after he hired her in 1999.

So intense was Winters' fixation with Davis that over time it began to negatively affect his job performance. According to Winters, his inability to provide Davis with even the most brief description of his wife's oral-sex technique "seriously frustrated" him and made it difficult to focus on simple tasks.

"So often I dreamed of giving her a lingering hug, or asking her if she likes using flavored condoms, but I always chickened out," Winters said. "Whenever I'd thought I'd gathered the courage to take out that black-on-black porno movie and put it on my desk before calling her into my office, my palms would get all sweaty, and I'd lose my nerve."

After having nearly resigned himself to another seven years of unspoken requests for sexual favors, Winters seized an opportunity to express his feelings Monday morning, offering to help Davis "get to the important stuff" as she bent over a file cabinet. Later, as further proof of his commitment, Winters suggested that he and Davis discuss a possible promotion at his beach house over the weekend.

"I felt like I was walking on air—it was better than any graphic scenario I could have imagined and then quietly described to Anna in great detail during a budget meeting," Winters said.

"And I can't believe I'm going to be able to call her 'Teeny Tits' in front of the whole office at last," he added.

Many of Winters' coworkers took notice of his new attitude and gallant groping style, with several expressing their congratulations to the newly confident and emboldened Winters.

"Scott had always told me he thought Anna was a hot piece of tail," said Nathan Reynolds, senior financial advisor and Winters' long-time squash partner. "But he never had the gall to make the first unwelcome advance or leave that photocopy of his penis on her desk. So when I overheard him asking Anna if the carpet matches the drapes, you can imagine how excited I was for him—this looks like the beginning of a beautiful hostile work environment."

According to Reynolds, Winters had delayed acting on his desires because of a bad experience with a former assistant that had taken a toll on his self-esteem. Reynolds declined to provide further information, saying he couldn't betray his friend's confidence or discuss pending litigation.

While it took Winters several years to make the first move—due in part to his past failures and his current marriage—and tell Davis that thongs were, in fact, encouraged on casual Fridays, he seemed to be making up for lost time: By lunch he had already e-mailed his secretary a doctored image of her and Salma Hayek, slipped a copy of the Kama Sutra under her door, and offered to give her a gynecological exam "free of charge."

"It's silly to think that I used to get so tongue-tied around someone who makes less than a third of my total salary and whom I could have fired at any time," Winters said. "I only wish it hadn't taken so long to find the perfect gesture to show her how aroused I always was."

"Just think—if I had simply taken a chance and rubbed against her in the elevator several years ago, we could have been in the middle of a wonderful affair by now," he added.