adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man First In His Family To Coast Through College

Daniel will be the first Peterson to graduate with a half-assed American studies major.
Daniel will be the first Peterson to graduate with a half-assed American studies major.

MINNEAPOLIS—At first glance, Daniel Peterson seems no different than any other student: Wearing a ball cap, he's spent most of the evening browsing YouTube. Soon his buddies will stop by with a six-pack, and they'll pass the time recounting exploits from their recent spring break on South Padre Island. Though his peers might take nights like this for granted, Peterson can never forget those who came before him and paved the way for his educational neglect.

That's because this month the University of Minnesota senior will become the first member of his family to graduate from college without ever having to work hard, apply himself, or expend more than a bare minimum of effort.

"My grandpa wasn't able to afford school until he came back from the war and got help with his tuition through the G.I. Bill," says Peterson, reclining on a futon. "He studied hard and took a job at night so he could support my grandma and dad while he finished his degree."

"Listening to his stories, I promised myself that, no matter what, I would do everything in my power to take it real easy through college," Peterson adds.

His father a successful engineer, his mother a dedicated social worker, this Rochester, MN native grew up dreaming of an education more painless than the one his parents had known. At 17, he received a letter of acceptance from UMN, and at that moment committed himself to five years of sleeping late, drinking often, and sneaking by with a 2.7 GPA. After scuttling plans to major in video game design, Peterson enrolled in the school's American studies program, vowing never to sign up for any class that met before 11 a.m. or required him to write a term paper over five pages.

Generations of sweat, toil, and fingers worked to the bone were finally beginning to pay off.

"That first semester was a challenge," Peterson admits. "As a full-time student, I had to take four classes, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to kick back and just fuck around all the time. But when I'd think about all the sacrifices my family made, I knew I had to do it. I had to do it for them."

Thanks to his parents' foresight, frugal habits, and careful financial planning, Peterson has never had to worry about tuition or consider working to cover living expenses. He shows his gratitude often, stopping by his parents' house twice a month to enjoy a home-cooked meal and relax in front of the TV watching sports.

"My dad worked full-time as a security guard to put himself through college, so I know how lucky I am," Peterson says. "It was his dedication and hard work that made it possible for me to spend last night playing Gears Of War with Chad instead of studying for my cinema history exam."

Still, it's not all playtime for Daniel. When he's not barhopping with friends in Stadium Village, he can often be found in the back of a classroom, doodling in the margins of his notebook and attempting to display a token interest in his studies.

"My father, my father's father, and all those before them—they struggled and gave it their all so I wouldn't have to," Peterson says. "Sure, I could do what everyone else my age does, studying really hard because my parents spent 20 years carefully setting aside money for my education. But I won't do that to my mom and dad. Not when I can blow off class and do just enough cramming at the end of the semester to pull a B-minus."

When he's finished with school, the 23-year-old plans to continue honoring the Peterson name by living off his graduation money for a few months and then maybe temping for a while until he figures out what he wants to do next.

His attitude hasn't gone unnoticed by his parents.

"I don't think Daniel is taking his studies seriously," Peterson's father says. "When he comes home, I never see him crack a book. He's always out with his friends or on the Xbox. And now he's talking about maybe going to grad school."

"This is everything a father could want for his son," he adds. "I am so proud."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings