Area Man Foolishly Entrusted With Genetic Code

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Vol 46 Issue 13

NBA To Start Charging Teams For Free Throws

NEW YORK—In an effort to increase the league's revenue and offset the expensive cost of foul shots, commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the NBA would begin charging teams a $50 fee per free throw attempt.

Chimp In Cocaine Study Starts Lying To Friends

ATLANTA—Early in the study, Bobo's elevated mood and excessive chattering made him quite popular among the other chimpanzees. But researchers claimed that his increased irritability, short temper, and absenteeism at the jungle gym did not go unnoticed.
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Area Man Foolishly Entrusted With Genetic Code

PALO ALTO, CA—Despite his laziness, unreliability, and below-average intelligence, 34-year-old local resident Dylan Fonseca has been given full access to the human genetic code, appalled biologists told reporters Monday. "The sensitive DNA and RNA sequences used by cells to replicate proteins could spell disaster for future generations if placed in the wrong hands," Stanford University genetics researcher Raymond Cohen said. "How could someone who owns nine velvet paintings ever be allowed to handle the priceless nucleic acids that are the building blocks of life itself?" Others in the scientific community were unconcerned, saying that the loner Fonseca will likely take the precious code with him to his grave.

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