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Area Man Forces Self To Drink Another Free Refill

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Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Area Man Forces Self To Drink Another Free Refill

ERIE, PA–Local fast-food consumer Don Turnbee forced himself to drink another free refill Tuesday, despite the fact that he had already consumed three small soft drinks and was no longer thirsty, Burger King outlet #4579 sources reported.

Erie, PA, fast-food consumer Don Turnbee, moments after the consumption of a third beverage refill.

According to Turnbee, known throughout the Erie area for his reliance on local fast-food outlets for convenient, delicious meals at a reasonable price, the decision to consume a third free refill was motivated by financial considerations.

"I didn't really want another Mello Yello, but I went ahead and refilled my cup anyway, because it was free," said Turnbee, addressing reporters near the self-service soda fountain conveniently located in Burger King's dining area. "With all that free soda just sitting there unused, it just seemed like not having another soda would've been a big waste."

According to lunch-rush sources, Turnbee's decision to order a small soft drink rather than his traditional large was largely motivated by the restaurant's refill policy.

"He wanted a large, but I told him if he was drinking it in the store he might as well just get a small since there's free refills," cashier Anthony Funderburke, 16, said. "He looked at me with this confused look for a few seconds, but once he understood what I meant, he was like, okay, he'd have the small then."

By purchasing the 94-cent small soda rather than the $1.09 large, Turnbee saved 15 cents–not to mention the subsequent savings generated by his exploitation of store refill policy.

"I had a small Mello Yello, a small Coke, a small Mr. Pibb, and then another small Mello Yello, all for the price of only one small soft drink," said Turnbee, pausing to belch slightly. "That's a bargain, if you think about it."

In addition to the financial incentives to drink more soda, experts believe the psychological allure of controlling one's own soda-refill destiny contributed to Turnbee's four-drink visit.

"Many fast-food establishments offer free refills. But unlike Burger King, restaurants like McDonald's and Arby's require you to ask one of the uniformed workers to get it for you, because the soda fountains are behind the counter," said commentator H. Nelson Brubaker, author of Why We Refill: The American Soda Experience Examined. "In such instances, customers like Turnbee will generally only have one medium or large beverage and then leave it at that, simply because the idea of free refills is less attractive to them when another human is involved in the process."

Brubaker also noted that federal health regulations–which require employees of fast-food restaurants to ask the customer to remove the lid themselves before the employee can take the cup and refill it, in order to minimize contact between the employee's hands and the cup's rim, or "drinking surface"–can create an unsavory set of associations in customers' minds, further decreasing the likelihood of free-refill optioning.

"But at Burger King," Brubaker said, "where the fountain is right out in the open and anybody can access it, the dynamics of the soda-refill process are left entirely in the hands of autonomous customers like Mr. Turnbee. The sense of personal power and responsibility created by such unfettered access to a limitless soda source can sometimes be a bit overwhelming, leading to reckless overuse and excessive refilling–even when, as in this case, it is not warranted from a thirst-based perspective."

Turnbee acknowledged that the sense of power he derived from being in control of his own soda options "may have gone to my head."

"Every time I got a refill, I dumped out the ice and got more, newer ice," Turnbee said. "There wasn't really any reason to do that, since my old ice hadn't melted yet and was still perfectly good. But I just figured, 'They've got plenty more ice, so why not?' Plus, I liked pressing the little lever on the ice-dispenser machine and hearing the loud clunking sounds it made."

At one point, Turnbee experimented with the soda fountain at length, creating an "Omni-Soda" mixture of all five available brands. Upon tasting the Omni-Soda and deciding it did not appeal to him, Turnbee dumped the experimental blend into the soda fountain's drainage trough and refilled his cup with Mr. Pibb.

The refill cycle was finally brought to an end when Turnbee got up to use the restroom, returning to find his tray cleared by restaurant personnel.

"I really had to go to the bathroom bad," Turnbee said. "Then, when I was gone, they threw my cup away. I couldn't get any more refills after that, because I had no cup. I didn't mind, though: Since I had four, I'd already saved a lot of money."

Despite Turnbee's satisfaction with his savings, according to one expert, he did not actually enjoy a substantial discount at all.

"Soda of the variety Mr. Turnbee is talking about costs Burger King approximately 3 cents per gallon and is sold at a 25,000 percent markup," fast-food-industry analyst Wilson Anderson said. "Thus, when Mr. Turnbee purchases a 16-ounce cup for 94 cents and refills it three times, he is not actually getting a significantly better value than the consumer who does not refill at all. In fact, he would have to drink more than 250 refills to get his 94 cents' worth."

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