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Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breakup

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

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WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breakup

HOUSTON–Anticipating an imminent break-up with girlfriend Mindy Huhn, Derek Haskell, 24, deliberately scheduled a final romantic evening Sunday for the purpose of intercourse. "I was planning to dump her this week, probably Wednesday, so I figured I should squeeze in one last go at it before then," Haskell said. "I especially wanted to because I don't have anyone lined up next, so who knows when I'll have sex again?" Haskell described the encounter as "pretty good."

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