adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Gets New Phone, Cardboard Box, Bubble Wrap, Polystyrene Blocks, Plastic Bag, Twist Ties

LEESBURG, FL–Local consumer Jerome Bishop returned home from Radio Shack Tuesday with a newly purchased telephone, two polystyrene foam blocks, a protective plastic pouch, a heavy-duty corrugated cardboard box, three square feet of bubble wrap and twist ties.

The new phone.

"The redial button on my old phone only worked if you pressed it really hard, so I had to throw it out," said Bishop, sifting through a pile of new-phone-related detritus covering his couch and living-room floor. "This new one should be much better."

At approximately 5 p.m., Bishop began the 45-minute task of unwrapping the Radio Shack ET-290 Lighted Dial Trim-Fone, entombed deep within eight protective layers of packaging. Upon opening the outer cardboard box, he encountered a four-sided cardboard phone-mount which slid out after a pair of styrofoam product-stabilizing blocks were removed. After dismantling the inner cardboard mount, he discovered a freestanding polystyrene shell molded into the shape of the phone's handset and base, with two compartments for the phone's cord and optional wall-mounting screws, both of which were enclosed in factory-sealed miniature plastic baggies. Bishop then removed the polystyrene casing and cut through the underlying layer of protective bubble wrap, giving him access to the phone itself, which was housed in a multi-twist-tie-sealed plastic bag.

"I like this new phone okay, I guess," said Bishop, trying out the white, two-piece unit featuring a backlit multifunction LCD display, dual keypads and an extra-long 10-foot cord. "It's kind of too bad about the other one, though–it was fine except for that one button."

After setting up his new phone, Bishop tossed its box and inner packaging into a garbage bag, and also discarded the Radio Shack bag in which it was brought home. He did briefly keep the sheet of protective bubble wrap, spending several minutes meticulously popping the small air pockets between his thumb and forefinger before throwing it away.

While disposing of the packaging, Bishop said he was careful to set aside the various pieces of literature which accompanied the phone, including a 48-page instruction manual, a booklet explaining the terms of the phone's 60-day limited warranty, the warranty certificate itself, a consumer-opinion reply card, a form for product registration, a catalog of other fine Radio Shack products and a Sprint promotional insert offering Sprint phone cards at a 15 percent discount.

"I'd better look through this stuff before I throw it out with all that other stuff," Bishop said. "I'd hate to lose anything important."

Attempts to reach production-line employees responsible for the packaging of the ET-290 Trim-Fone were unsuccessful. As of press time, all floor workers at the plant in Garland, TX, were occupied filling industrial-sized dumpsters with imperfectly molded plastic shells, miscut cardboard backings, undersized lengths of twist-tie wire, boxes with slightly smudged printing and five-cubic-foot balls of crumpled plastic wrap.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings