Area Man Gets New Phone, Cardboard Box, Bubble Wrap, Polystyrene Blocks, Plastic Bag, Twist Ties

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
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Area Man Gets New Phone, Cardboard Box, Bubble Wrap, Polystyrene Blocks, Plastic Bag, Twist Ties

LEESBURG, FL–Local consumer Jerome Bishop returned home from Radio Shack Tuesday with a newly purchased telephone, two polystyrene foam blocks, a protective plastic pouch, a heavy-duty corrugated cardboard box, three square feet of bubble wrap and twist ties.

The new phone.

"The redial button on my old phone only worked if you pressed it really hard, so I had to throw it out," said Bishop, sifting through a pile of new-phone-related detritus covering his couch and living-room floor. "This new one should be much better."

At approximately 5 p.m., Bishop began the 45-minute task of unwrapping the Radio Shack ET-290 Lighted Dial Trim-Fone, entombed deep within eight protective layers of packaging. Upon opening the outer cardboard box, he encountered a four-sided cardboard phone-mount which slid out after a pair of styrofoam product-stabilizing blocks were removed. After dismantling the inner cardboard mount, he discovered a freestanding polystyrene shell molded into the shape of the phone's handset and base, with two compartments for the phone's cord and optional wall-mounting screws, both of which were enclosed in factory-sealed miniature plastic baggies. Bishop then removed the polystyrene casing and cut through the underlying layer of protective bubble wrap, giving him access to the phone itself, which was housed in a multi-twist-tie-sealed plastic bag.

"I like this new phone okay, I guess," said Bishop, trying out the white, two-piece unit featuring a backlit multifunction LCD display, dual keypads and an extra-long 10-foot cord. "It's kind of too bad about the other one, though–it was fine except for that one button."

After setting up his new phone, Bishop tossed its box and inner packaging into a garbage bag, and also discarded the Radio Shack bag in which it was brought home. He did briefly keep the sheet of protective bubble wrap, spending several minutes meticulously popping the small air pockets between his thumb and forefinger before throwing it away.

While disposing of the packaging, Bishop said he was careful to set aside the various pieces of literature which accompanied the phone, including a 48-page instruction manual, a booklet explaining the terms of the phone's 60-day limited warranty, the warranty certificate itself, a consumer-opinion reply card, a form for product registration, a catalog of other fine Radio Shack products and a Sprint promotional insert offering Sprint phone cards at a 15 percent discount.

"I'd better look through this stuff before I throw it out with all that other stuff," Bishop said. "I'd hate to lose anything important."

Attempts to reach production-line employees responsible for the packaging of the ET-290 Trim-Fone were unsuccessful. As of press time, all floor workers at the plant in Garland, TX, were occupied filling industrial-sized dumpsters with imperfectly molded plastic shells, miscut cardboard backings, undersized lengths of twist-tie wire, boxes with slightly smudged printing and five-cubic-foot balls of crumpled plastic wrap.


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