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Area Man Gets New Phone, Cardboard Box, Bubble Wrap, Polystyrene Blocks, Plastic Bag, Twist Ties

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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.
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Area Man Gets New Phone, Cardboard Box, Bubble Wrap, Polystyrene Blocks, Plastic Bag, Twist Ties

LEESBURG, FL–Local consumer Jerome Bishop returned home from Radio Shack Tuesday with a newly purchased telephone, two polystyrene foam blocks, a protective plastic pouch, a heavy-duty corrugated cardboard box, three square feet of bubble wrap and twist ties.

The new phone.

"The redial button on my old phone only worked if you pressed it really hard, so I had to throw it out," said Bishop, sifting through a pile of new-phone-related detritus covering his couch and living-room floor. "This new one should be much better."

At approximately 5 p.m., Bishop began the 45-minute task of unwrapping the Radio Shack ET-290 Lighted Dial Trim-Fone, entombed deep within eight protective layers of packaging. Upon opening the outer cardboard box, he encountered a four-sided cardboard phone-mount which slid out after a pair of styrofoam product-stabilizing blocks were removed. After dismantling the inner cardboard mount, he discovered a freestanding polystyrene shell molded into the shape of the phone's handset and base, with two compartments for the phone's cord and optional wall-mounting screws, both of which were enclosed in factory-sealed miniature plastic baggies. Bishop then removed the polystyrene casing and cut through the underlying layer of protective bubble wrap, giving him access to the phone itself, which was housed in a multi-twist-tie-sealed plastic bag.

"I like this new phone okay, I guess," said Bishop, trying out the white, two-piece unit featuring a backlit multifunction LCD display, dual keypads and an extra-long 10-foot cord. "It's kind of too bad about the other one, though–it was fine except for that one button."

After setting up his new phone, Bishop tossed its box and inner packaging into a garbage bag, and also discarded the Radio Shack bag in which it was brought home. He did briefly keep the sheet of protective bubble wrap, spending several minutes meticulously popping the small air pockets between his thumb and forefinger before throwing it away.

While disposing of the packaging, Bishop said he was careful to set aside the various pieces of literature which accompanied the phone, including a 48-page instruction manual, a booklet explaining the terms of the phone's 60-day limited warranty, the warranty certificate itself, a consumer-opinion reply card, a form for product registration, a catalog of other fine Radio Shack products and a Sprint promotional insert offering Sprint phone cards at a 15 percent discount.

"I'd better look through this stuff before I throw it out with all that other stuff," Bishop said. "I'd hate to lose anything important."

Attempts to reach production-line employees responsible for the packaging of the ET-290 Trim-Fone were unsuccessful. As of press time, all floor workers at the plant in Garland, TX, were occupied filling industrial-sized dumpsters with imperfectly molded plastic shells, miscut cardboard backings, undersized lengths of twist-tie wire, boxes with slightly smudged printing and five-cubic-foot balls of crumpled plastic wrap.

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