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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Area Man Gets Terrible Creative Juices Flowing

SLIDELL, LA—Local man Timothy Nolan announced Friday that after initially struggling to get into the right frame of mind for a new project, he had finally gotten his horrible creative juices flowing. "At first it was a challenge to jump-start my lackluster imagination, but once the floodgates of terrible ideas opened, it was pretty much nonstop drivel from there on out," said Nolan, adding that after he let his appalling artistic impulses fly, he couldn't stop his mind from churning out heinously abhorrent idea after heinously abhorrent idea. "With the sheer number of god-awful things just waiting to burst out of me, I wonder why I ever doubted my enfeebled and degenerate creative sensibilities in the first place. I'm a vessel for art in the worst possible way." As of press time, the first chapter of a new novel was stalled after Nolan was thankfully hit with a miraculous case of writer's block.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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