Area Man Gets Terrible Creative Juices Flowing

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Area Man Gets Terrible Creative Juices Flowing

SLIDELL, LA—Local man Timothy Nolan announced Friday that after initially struggling to get into the right frame of mind for a new project, he had finally gotten his horrible creative juices flowing. "At first it was a challenge to jump-start my lackluster imagination, but once the floodgates of terrible ideas opened, it was pretty much nonstop drivel from there on out," said Nolan, adding that after he let his appalling artistic impulses fly, he couldn't stop his mind from churning out heinously abhorrent idea after heinously abhorrent idea. "With the sheer number of god-awful things just waiting to burst out of me, I wonder why I ever doubted my enfeebled and degenerate creative sensibilities in the first place. I'm a vessel for art in the worst possible way." As of press time, the first chapter of a new novel was stalled after Nolan was thankfully hit with a miraculous case of writer's block.