Area Man Goes And Gets Himself Hit By A Goddamn Bus

Top Headlines

Popular

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Report: Male Hair Loss 7 Times More Painful Than Childbirth

LOS ANGELES—According to a study released Wednesday by the California Pain Medicine Center, subjects suffering from male- pattern baldness were found to experience a level of physical pain at least seven times more intense than that experienced by w...

Sculptor Criticized For Turning Women Into Objects

NEW YORK–Feminist groups are uniting in protest of sculptor Garrison Byrne, who is accused of turning women into objects for sale to the highest bidder. "The sort of sexist, demeaning objectification of women in which Mr. Byrne engages is shocking and unacceptable," wrote National Women's League president Georgia Richards-Weiss in a letter to The New York Times. "That he actually makes a good living reducing females to lifeless objects is more shocking still."

Sad Sack Purchases Screenwriting Software

AKRON, OH—"I'm excited," said the 36-year-old sad sack, who bought the popular program Final Draft 8 at Best Buy during his work lunch break. "I figured that if I'm going to give screenwriting a try, I should have the right software."

S&M Couple Won't Stop Droning On About Their Fetishes

SANTA FE, NM–According to friends of Jason Roder and Gina Von Poppel, the sexually adventurous couple won't stop droning on about spanking, caning, ball gags, erotic photography, fetish parties, leather, rubber, PVC, latex, whips, floggers, and countless other S&M-related objects and activities.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.

Marathon Training Tips

Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:

Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Sleep

Area Man Goes And Gets Himself Hit By A Goddamn Bus

HARRISBURG, PA—Area resident Dwayne Pafko, 27, went out and got his ass totally creamed by a big old bus Monday.

EMS workers load Dwayne Pafko (inset) into an ambulance after he was hit by a big old honkin' bus.

"There he was, just walkin' out into the middle of the road like a goddamned idiot, when all of a sudden this huge-ass bus comes along and... blammo!" said eyewitness Mario Loyola, smacking his fist into his palm to illustrate his account of the accident. "I was all like, 'Hey, dumbass, watch where you're going. What are you trying to do, get yourself killed?' But he just looked at me like some sap, and meanwhile, this big freakin' bus barrels down on him like a ton of bricks, and then it's too late."

"Big ol' bus," added Loyola, outstretching his arms as far as he can to indicate the vehicle's enormous size.

Sources reported that Pafko, who recently lost his job at Grainger's Gas 'N' Snack for forgetting to restock the beverage cooler, was hit full-on by the huge-ass bus, which smacked the holy living shit out of him and sent him flying maybe, like, say, a good 10, 20 feet or so.

According to police who arrived on the scene, Pafko is lucky to be alive.

"I couldn't believe it," Sgt. Jean Christensen said. "When the call came in from dispatch saying that some moron had just strolled out in front of an oncoming bus, my partner and I were like, 'Come on, what is this, a joke?' But when we got there, sure enough, there he was, just laying there face-flat on the asphalt, right smack-dab in the middle of the damn road. I practically shit. It just didn't seem possible that anyone could be that clueless, but, apparently, this guy was one dim bulb."

Pafko was rushed to Harrisburg Lutheran Hospital, where doctors describe his condition as "pretty fucked-up." Doctors, however, say his prognosis is actually halfway decent, which comes as a surprise to many, considering the fact that a goddamn bus just plowed into him.

"For a guy who just got his face pureed by the grill of a bus, he's doing better than one would expect. If all goes well, we may be able to upgrade his condition to merely 'seriously fucked-up' by week's end," said Harrisburg Lutheran chief of staff Dr. Nelson Hoyt, who, along with three other doctors, spent six grueling hours in surgery saving Pafko's sorry ass. "He should survive. That is, as long as he doesn't decide to walk out in front of any more buses in the next few weeks. Hello? Get with it, people!"

"How the hell does somebody manage to get themselves hit by a big ol' honkin' bus like that in the first place?" Hoyt asked. "I mean, what, he didn't notice? The thing's only about the size of a freakin' freight train, for Christ's sake. This Pafko fellow isn't exactly the most on-the-ball character you'll ever meet. You know, even pigeons know to get out of the way of a damn bus."

Police said quick thinking on the part of the bus driver may have saved Pafko's life. Gregory Peete, a 15-year veteran of Harrisburg's public transportation department, said he spotted Pafko in his path just moments before impact.

"I look down and, suddenly, out of nowhere, there's this dipshit walking right out in front of me like I don't even know what," Peete said. "The first thought that flashed through my mind was, 'Jesus, what does this guy think he's trying to do?' So I blast the horn, just to send a subtle little message, as in, 'By the way, sir, huge bus comin' through over here, just in case you wanted to, say, step aside or something.' But no such luck. He just stood there and looked around like, 'Duh?' So, finally, once it was obvious that Smart Guy wasn't going to get out of the way, I hit the brakes."

"Unfortunately," Peete said, "we were moving pretty fast, and I couldn't stop. I'm not a miracle worker, you know."

Emily Pafko, the dipshit's wife, spoke to reporters early this morning about the near-fatal accident. "Well, I gotta admit, I wasn't exactly shocked. He's always doing stupid, no-brained shit like that," she said. "What was he thinking? Did he wake up Monday morning and say, 'Hey! I've got a brilliant idea: I think I'll go walk into the path of a bus and get myself pounded completely flat today!'?"

The accident has stunned others, as well, including area resident Gregory Lundeen, who furrowed his brow and blew a long, low whistle after being told the story while waiting in line at the grocery store. Harrisburg College junior Jonathan Neimuhr was equally taken aback, telling his roommates, "Guys! Did you hear? Some dude totally got, like, whomped by a bus today!"

Though the accident has raised issues of traffic safety at the intersection where Pafko got creamed, local authorities have no plans to implement any new safety measures at this time.

"It's a street. What do you honestly expect us to do?" city councilman Gordon Hutchinson said. "Should we put up a sign reading, 'Please Do Not Walk Out In Front Of Any Huge Oncoming Buses Here To Corner'? I mean, sure, we could do that, I guess, but I'd like to think most people would already know to avoid that type of thing. Can you believe this guy? Geez, what a dumbass."

Next Story