adBlockCheck

Local

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Goes And Gets Himself Hit By A Goddamn Bus

HARRISBURG, PA—Area resident Dwayne Pafko, 27, went out and got his ass totally creamed by a big old bus Monday.

EMS workers load Dwayne Pafko (inset) into an ambulance after he was hit by a big old honkin' bus.

"There he was, just walkin' out into the middle of the road like a goddamned idiot, when all of a sudden this huge-ass bus comes along and... blammo!" said eyewitness Mario Loyola, smacking his fist into his palm to illustrate his account of the accident. "I was all like, 'Hey, dumbass, watch where you're going. What are you trying to do, get yourself killed?' But he just looked at me like some sap, and meanwhile, this big freakin' bus barrels down on him like a ton of bricks, and then it's too late."

"Big ol' bus," added Loyola, outstretching his arms as far as he can to indicate the vehicle's enormous size.

Sources reported that Pafko, who recently lost his job at Grainger's Gas 'N' Snack for forgetting to restock the beverage cooler, was hit full-on by the huge-ass bus, which smacked the holy living shit out of him and sent him flying maybe, like, say, a good 10, 20 feet or so.

According to police who arrived on the scene, Pafko is lucky to be alive.

"I couldn't believe it," Sgt. Jean Christensen said. "When the call came in from dispatch saying that some moron had just strolled out in front of an oncoming bus, my partner and I were like, 'Come on, what is this, a joke?' But when we got there, sure enough, there he was, just laying there face-flat on the asphalt, right smack-dab in the middle of the damn road. I practically shit. It just didn't seem possible that anyone could be that clueless, but, apparently, this guy was one dim bulb."

Pafko was rushed to Harrisburg Lutheran Hospital, where doctors describe his condition as "pretty fucked-up." Doctors, however, say his prognosis is actually halfway decent, which comes as a surprise to many, considering the fact that a goddamn bus just plowed into him.

"For a guy who just got his face pureed by the grill of a bus, he's doing better than one would expect. If all goes well, we may be able to upgrade his condition to merely 'seriously fucked-up' by week's end," said Harrisburg Lutheran chief of staff Dr. Nelson Hoyt, who, along with three other doctors, spent six grueling hours in surgery saving Pafko's sorry ass. "He should survive. That is, as long as he doesn't decide to walk out in front of any more buses in the next few weeks. Hello? Get with it, people!"

"How the hell does somebody manage to get themselves hit by a big ol' honkin' bus like that in the first place?" Hoyt asked. "I mean, what, he didn't notice? The thing's only about the size of a freakin' freight train, for Christ's sake. This Pafko fellow isn't exactly the most on-the-ball character you'll ever meet. You know, even pigeons know to get out of the way of a damn bus."

Police said quick thinking on the part of the bus driver may have saved Pafko's life. Gregory Peete, a 15-year veteran of Harrisburg's public transportation department, said he spotted Pafko in his path just moments before impact.

"I look down and, suddenly, out of nowhere, there's this dipshit walking right out in front of me like I don't even know what," Peete said. "The first thought that flashed through my mind was, 'Jesus, what does this guy think he's trying to do?' So I blast the horn, just to send a subtle little message, as in, 'By the way, sir, huge bus comin' through over here, just in case you wanted to, say, step aside or something.' But no such luck. He just stood there and looked around like, 'Duh?' So, finally, once it was obvious that Smart Guy wasn't going to get out of the way, I hit the brakes."

"Unfortunately," Peete said, "we were moving pretty fast, and I couldn't stop. I'm not a miracle worker, you know."

Emily Pafko, the dipshit's wife, spoke to reporters early this morning about the near-fatal accident. "Well, I gotta admit, I wasn't exactly shocked. He's always doing stupid, no-brained shit like that," she said. "What was he thinking? Did he wake up Monday morning and say, 'Hey! I've got a brilliant idea: I think I'll go walk into the path of a bus and get myself pounded completely flat today!'?"

The accident has stunned others, as well, including area resident Gregory Lundeen, who furrowed his brow and blew a long, low whistle after being told the story while waiting in line at the grocery store. Harrisburg College junior Jonathan Neimuhr was equally taken aback, telling his roommates, "Guys! Did you hear? Some dude totally got, like, whomped by a bus today!"

Though the accident has raised issues of traffic safety at the intersection where Pafko got creamed, local authorities have no plans to implement any new safety measures at this time.

"It's a street. What do you honestly expect us to do?" city councilman Gordon Hutchinson said. "Should we put up a sign reading, 'Please Do Not Walk Out In Front Of Any Huge Oncoming Buses Here To Corner'? I mean, sure, we could do that, I guess, but I'd like to think most people would already know to avoid that type of thing. Can you believe this guy? Geez, what a dumbass."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close