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Area Man Goes And Gets Himself Hit By A Goddamn Bus

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Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

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34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

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VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

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Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

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Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

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Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

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Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

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Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Area Man Goes And Gets Himself Hit By A Goddamn Bus

HARRISBURG, PA—Area resident Dwayne Pafko, 27, went out and got his ass totally creamed by a big old bus Monday.

EMS workers load Dwayne Pafko (inset) into an ambulance after he was hit by a big old honkin' bus.

"There he was, just walkin' out into the middle of the road like a goddamned idiot, when all of a sudden this huge-ass bus comes along and... blammo!" said eyewitness Mario Loyola, smacking his fist into his palm to illustrate his account of the accident. "I was all like, 'Hey, dumbass, watch where you're going. What are you trying to do, get yourself killed?' But he just looked at me like some sap, and meanwhile, this big freakin' bus barrels down on him like a ton of bricks, and then it's too late."

"Big ol' bus," added Loyola, outstretching his arms as far as he can to indicate the vehicle's enormous size.

Sources reported that Pafko, who recently lost his job at Grainger's Gas 'N' Snack for forgetting to restock the beverage cooler, was hit full-on by the huge-ass bus, which smacked the holy living shit out of him and sent him flying maybe, like, say, a good 10, 20 feet or so.

According to police who arrived on the scene, Pafko is lucky to be alive.

"I couldn't believe it," Sgt. Jean Christensen said. "When the call came in from dispatch saying that some moron had just strolled out in front of an oncoming bus, my partner and I were like, 'Come on, what is this, a joke?' But when we got there, sure enough, there he was, just laying there face-flat on the asphalt, right smack-dab in the middle of the damn road. I practically shit. It just didn't seem possible that anyone could be that clueless, but, apparently, this guy was one dim bulb."

Pafko was rushed to Harrisburg Lutheran Hospital, where doctors describe his condition as "pretty fucked-up." Doctors, however, say his prognosis is actually halfway decent, which comes as a surprise to many, considering the fact that a goddamn bus just plowed into him.

"For a guy who just got his face pureed by the grill of a bus, he's doing better than one would expect. If all goes well, we may be able to upgrade his condition to merely 'seriously fucked-up' by week's end," said Harrisburg Lutheran chief of staff Dr. Nelson Hoyt, who, along with three other doctors, spent six grueling hours in surgery saving Pafko's sorry ass. "He should survive. That is, as long as he doesn't decide to walk out in front of any more buses in the next few weeks. Hello? Get with it, people!"

"How the hell does somebody manage to get themselves hit by a big ol' honkin' bus like that in the first place?" Hoyt asked. "I mean, what, he didn't notice? The thing's only about the size of a freakin' freight train, for Christ's sake. This Pafko fellow isn't exactly the most on-the-ball character you'll ever meet. You know, even pigeons know to get out of the way of a damn bus."

Police said quick thinking on the part of the bus driver may have saved Pafko's life. Gregory Peete, a 15-year veteran of Harrisburg's public transportation department, said he spotted Pafko in his path just moments before impact.

"I look down and, suddenly, out of nowhere, there's this dipshit walking right out in front of me like I don't even know what," Peete said. "The first thought that flashed through my mind was, 'Jesus, what does this guy think he's trying to do?' So I blast the horn, just to send a subtle little message, as in, 'By the way, sir, huge bus comin' through over here, just in case you wanted to, say, step aside or something.' But no such luck. He just stood there and looked around like, 'Duh?' So, finally, once it was obvious that Smart Guy wasn't going to get out of the way, I hit the brakes."

"Unfortunately," Peete said, "we were moving pretty fast, and I couldn't stop. I'm not a miracle worker, you know."

Emily Pafko, the dipshit's wife, spoke to reporters early this morning about the near-fatal accident. "Well, I gotta admit, I wasn't exactly shocked. He's always doing stupid, no-brained shit like that," she said. "What was he thinking? Did he wake up Monday morning and say, 'Hey! I've got a brilliant idea: I think I'll go walk into the path of a bus and get myself pounded completely flat today!'?"

The accident has stunned others, as well, including area resident Gregory Lundeen, who furrowed his brow and blew a long, low whistle after being told the story while waiting in line at the grocery store. Harrisburg College junior Jonathan Neimuhr was equally taken aback, telling his roommates, "Guys! Did you hear? Some dude totally got, like, whomped by a bus today!"

Though the accident has raised issues of traffic safety at the intersection where Pafko got creamed, local authorities have no plans to implement any new safety measures at this time.

"It's a street. What do you honestly expect us to do?" city councilman Gordon Hutchinson said. "Should we put up a sign reading, 'Please Do Not Walk Out In Front Of Any Huge Oncoming Buses Here To Corner'? I mean, sure, we could do that, I guess, but I'd like to think most people would already know to avoid that type of thing. Can you believe this guy? Geez, what a dumbass."

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