Area Man Going To Go Ahead And Consider That A Date

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Teacher Just Hopes They Never Google Him

KETTERING, OH—After completing his first day at Fairmont High School on Tuesday, history teacher Ted Wilkinson reportedly spent most of the evening desperately praying that none of his new students ever feel inclined to Google him.

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Gym Teacher Secretly Hates Nerds

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Thorpe High gym teacher Brad Malanga secretly hates the unathletic nerds whose forebears he ridiculed back in his school days.

New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah

VALENCIA, CA—"I can't decide if I hate the ride or myself for going on it," said one rider. "At one point I glanced over at the people on other coasters and they all looked so much happier. Maybe this is just the type of coaster I deserve."

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Area Man Going To Go Ahead And Consider That A Date

MOUNT PLEASANT, PA—Anthony Pennline, 28, decided Tuesday, following a random encounter at a coffee shop with 26-year old acquaintance April Geyer, that their cordial, 45-minute conversation along with his offer to walk her home basically constituted a date. "I mean, it wasn't official or anything, but if I had asked her to have coffee with me, and she were to have said yes, the result would have been exactly the same," said Pennline, adding that the encounter was even more of a date when he offered to buy her another cup of coffee. "It's pretty clear she's probably really into me." According to Pennline, he has dated two other girls this month, the first of which occurred spontaneously during the happy-hour reception of his high-school reunion, and the second at the movies when he briefly spoke to a woman before the theater went dark.