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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Area Man Going To Great Lengths To Conceal His Perfectly Normal Behavior

DENVER—Local account manager Kevin Verhulst turned off his phone, lied to coworkers, and left work early Wednesday in an elaborate ploy to prevent anyone from knowing that he was about to engage in behavior that would, at worst, be characterized as "everyday." "I actually told people I had to duck out early because of a stomach bug," said Verhulst, who took great pains to conceal the perfectly ordinary act of going out to purchase a pair of pants. "Why did I do that? Now I'll have to say that I'm feeling much better tomorrow, and I'll be wearing my new pants, which I'll feel compelled to lie about as well. Good God, what's wrong with me?" When spotted by a friend in the men's department of JCPenney, Verhulst told him that he was on his way to the knife store in the mall to look at samurai swords.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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