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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Area Man Going To Great Lengths To Conceal His Perfectly Normal Behavior

DENVER—Local account manager Kevin Verhulst turned off his phone, lied to coworkers, and left work early Wednesday in an elaborate ploy to prevent anyone from knowing that he was about to engage in behavior that would, at worst, be characterized as "everyday." "I actually told people I had to duck out early because of a stomach bug," said Verhulst, who took great pains to conceal the perfectly ordinary act of going out to purchase a pair of pants. "Why did I do that? Now I'll have to say that I'm feeling much better tomorrow, and I'll be wearing my new pants, which I'll feel compelled to lie about as well. Good God, what's wrong with me?" When spotted by a friend in the men's department of JCPenney, Verhulst told him that he was on his way to the knife store in the mall to look at samurai swords.

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