adBlockCheck

Area Man Going To Sit Quietly In Darkened Bedroom Until Roommate’s Party Ends

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Originality

Area Man Going To Sit Quietly In Darkened Bedroom Until Roommate’s Party Ends

At 2 a.m. Kremer thought about asking his roommate’s friends to be a little quieter, but was afraid they would think he was lame.
At 2 a.m. Kremer thought about asking his roommate’s friends to be a little quieter, but was afraid they would think he was lame.

AUSTIN, TX—Saying that he “really doesn’t know anyone out there,” local man Matt Kremer, 24, announced Friday night that he plans on sitting alone quietly in his darkened bedroom until a party being thrown by his roommate ends.

Kremer, who found his roommate Tim Rhodes through a mutual acquaintance back in January, said he briefly stopped by the living room earlier in the evening and had a beer but, realizing he didn’t have all that much to talk about with the party’s guests, decided he would be better off hanging out by himself in his bedroom.

“People out there seem to be having a good time, but I don’t mind just chilling out on my own for a while,” said Kremer, checking his e-mail for the third time in five minutes as the sound of music and laughter permeated his closed door. “I told them I was a little tired and was probably just going to turn in early.”

“Anyway, I’m sure they’ll only be in here for another hour or so,” Kremer continued. “People started coming over at 8:30, and it’s almost 11 now, so I figure this thing should be over pretty soon.”

Despite Rhodes telling him about the get-together earlier in the week and repeatedly urging him to invite anyone he wanted, Kremer told reporters that he neglected to inform any of his friends about the event or make alternative plans for the evening.

Since locking himself in his room, Kremer has reportedly watched two episodes of the TV series Homeland on his laptop, pausing intermittently to remove his headphones and check to see if the party was still going on. He said he also briefly considered reading the book he started a few days ago but, upon remembering he had left it on the living room table, decided instead to just sit on his bed and stare at the wall a bit longer.

“I’d like to get a drink of water, but the last time I went out there was awkward enough,” said Kremer, who at approximately 10:30 p.m. made his way across the living room to the kitchen while pretending to be on his cell phone. “Honestly, I kind of need to use the bathroom, too, but if they see me again, they’ll know I’m awake and wonder why I’m not hanging out.”

“I’ll just wait it out,” Kremer added.

At one point, Rhodes reportedly knocked on the door and asked Kremer if he wanted any of the pizza he had just ordered for his guests. Despite being somewhat hungry, Kremer replied, “No, I’m cool,” from behind the door, and then listened for the sound of his roommate walking away.

According to Kremer, he has heard his named mentioned several times during the party, with multiple people asking where he was, and at least one asking, “Is he just sitting in there all alone?”

“I really don’t want everybody thinking of me as Tim’s weird roommate,” said Kremer, glancing at the clock that now showed 12:30 a.m. “But I definitely heard Tim say to someone, ‘Don’t eat that ice cream—it’s my roommate’s.’ I’d go out there and tell people to help themselves to whatever they want, but then they’d also know I can hear them talking about me.”

“I wonder if they think I don’t have any friends,” he added.

Kremer confirmed he had considered the possibility of just leaving the apartment altogether for a couple of hours, but then realized he really had nowhere to go and would pretty much be in the same situation, only trapped outside his apartment instead of in.

Following a failed attempt to fall asleep, Kremer reportedly picked up his phone and simply stared at its screen for a solid five minutes.

“They just turned the music off, so things must finally be dying down,” Kremer said around three in the morning, briefly tilting his ear toward the wall. “But I don’t actually hear anybody leaving. Hmm.”

At press time, sources confirmed Rhodes had told his friends they should feel free to just spend the night, saying “[his] roommate really won’t mind at all.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close