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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Area Man Going To Sit Quietly In Darkened Bedroom Until Roommate’s Party Ends

At 2 a.m. Kremer thought about asking his roommate’s friends to be a little quieter, but was afraid they would think he was lame.
At 2 a.m. Kremer thought about asking his roommate’s friends to be a little quieter, but was afraid they would think he was lame.

AUSTIN, TX—Saying that he “really doesn’t know anyone out there,” local man Matt Kremer, 24, announced Friday night that he plans on sitting alone quietly in his darkened bedroom until a party being thrown by his roommate ends.

Kremer, who found his roommate Tim Rhodes through a mutual acquaintance back in January, said he briefly stopped by the living room earlier in the evening and had a beer but, realizing he didn’t have all that much to talk about with the party’s guests, decided he would be better off hanging out by himself in his bedroom.

“People out there seem to be having a good time, but I don’t mind just chilling out on my own for a while,” said Kremer, checking his e-mail for the third time in five minutes as the sound of music and laughter permeated his closed door. “I told them I was a little tired and was probably just going to turn in early.”

“Anyway, I’m sure they’ll only be in here for another hour or so,” Kremer continued. “People started coming over at 8:30, and it’s almost 11 now, so I figure this thing should be over pretty soon.”

Despite Rhodes telling him about the get-together earlier in the week and repeatedly urging him to invite anyone he wanted, Kremer told reporters that he neglected to inform any of his friends about the event or make alternative plans for the evening.

Since locking himself in his room, Kremer has reportedly watched two episodes of the TV series Homeland on his laptop, pausing intermittently to remove his headphones and check to see if the party was still going on. He said he also briefly considered reading the book he started a few days ago but, upon remembering he had left it on the living room table, decided instead to just sit on his bed and stare at the wall a bit longer.

“I’d like to get a drink of water, but the last time I went out there was awkward enough,” said Kremer, who at approximately 10:30 p.m. made his way across the living room to the kitchen while pretending to be on his cell phone. “Honestly, I kind of need to use the bathroom, too, but if they see me again, they’ll know I’m awake and wonder why I’m not hanging out.”

“I’ll just wait it out,” Kremer added.

At one point, Rhodes reportedly knocked on the door and asked Kremer if he wanted any of the pizza he had just ordered for his guests. Despite being somewhat hungry, Kremer replied, “No, I’m cool,” from behind the door, and then listened for the sound of his roommate walking away.

According to Kremer, he has heard his named mentioned several times during the party, with multiple people asking where he was, and at least one asking, “Is he just sitting in there all alone?”

“I really don’t want everybody thinking of me as Tim’s weird roommate,” said Kremer, glancing at the clock that now showed 12:30 a.m. “But I definitely heard Tim say to someone, ‘Don’t eat that ice cream—it’s my roommate’s.’ I’d go out there and tell people to help themselves to whatever they want, but then they’d also know I can hear them talking about me.”

“I wonder if they think I don’t have any friends,” he added.

Kremer confirmed he had considered the possibility of just leaving the apartment altogether for a couple of hours, but then realized he really had nowhere to go and would pretty much be in the same situation, only trapped outside his apartment instead of in.

Following a failed attempt to fall asleep, Kremer reportedly picked up his phone and simply stared at its screen for a solid five minutes.

“They just turned the music off, so things must finally be dying down,” Kremer said around three in the morning, briefly tilting his ear toward the wall. “But I don’t actually hear anybody leaving. Hmm.”

At press time, sources confirmed Rhodes had told his friends they should feel free to just spend the night, saying “[his] roommate really won’t mind at all.”

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