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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Man Got So Wasted And Abusive Last Night

PORTLAND, ME—Following an extended bout of binge drinking, area alcoholic Doug Pennock spent Monday morning sharing “hilarious” anecdotes about how drunk and physically aggressive he had gotten the night before. “Oh, man, I can’t believe I was so loaded and verbally abusive to everyone around me last night,” said a laughing Pennock, adding that he “barely remembered” drunkenly calling his ex-girlfriend six times and threatening to kill the new guy she was seeing. “It was awesome.” Pennock told reporters he could “not fucking wait” for this weekend, when he and his best buddy Steve plan to get totally shit-canned and have a nonsensical screaming match that devolves into an awkward fistfight from which their friendship will never recover.

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