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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Got So Wasted And Abusive Last Night

PORTLAND, ME—Following an extended bout of binge drinking, area alcoholic Doug Pennock spent Monday morning sharing “hilarious” anecdotes about how drunk and physically aggressive he had gotten the night before. “Oh, man, I can’t believe I was so loaded and verbally abusive to everyone around me last night,” said a laughing Pennock, adding that he “barely remembered” drunkenly calling his ex-girlfriend six times and threatening to kill the new guy she was seeing. “It was awesome.” Pennock told reporters he could “not fucking wait” for this weekend, when he and his best buddy Steve plan to get totally shit-canned and have a nonsensical screaming match that devolves into an awkward fistfight from which their friendship will never recover.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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