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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Area Man Got So Wasted And Abusive Last Night

PORTLAND, ME—Following an extended bout of binge drinking, area alcoholic Doug Pennock spent Monday morning sharing “hilarious” anecdotes about how drunk and physically aggressive he had gotten the night before. “Oh, man, I can’t believe I was so loaded and verbally abusive to everyone around me last night,” said a laughing Pennock, adding that he “barely remembered” drunkenly calling his ex-girlfriend six times and threatening to kill the new guy she was seeing. “It was awesome.” Pennock told reporters he could “not fucking wait” for this weekend, when he and his best buddy Steve plan to get totally shit-canned and have a nonsensical screaming match that devolves into an awkward fistfight from which their friendship will never recover.

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