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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Man Growing A Little Tired Of Rushing Home To Hug Loved Ones

ST. LOUIS—Following the deadly explosions Monday that rocked the city of Boston, area man Tom Sifton told reporters he’s getting pretty tired of frantically rushing home from work as fast as he possibly can to hug his loved ones tight. “I realize that desperately racing home to my wife and kids so I can hold them and tell them I love them is part of the routine now and I need to get used to it, but sometimes I just don’t know if I have another one in me,” the haggard 47-year-old said after clutching his children and telling them that everything will be all right as tears welled up in his eyes. “I used to have to do this kind of thing maybe once a year, at most, but now it seems like every couple of weeks I’m rushing home to hug my family, be thankful they weren’t the ones killed in a horrific shooting or bombing, and assure them I will always be there to protect them and keep them safe. Man, it gets exhausting.” At press time, Sifton was telling his children something like this would never happen again, a practice he has mastered over the past six months.

Coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

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