adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Growing A Little Tired Of Rushing Home To Hug Loved Ones

ST. LOUIS—Following the deadly explosions Monday that rocked the city of Boston, area man Tom Sifton told reporters he’s getting pretty tired of frantically rushing home from work as fast as he possibly can to hug his loved ones tight. “I realize that desperately racing home to my wife and kids so I can hold them and tell them I love them is part of the routine now and I need to get used to it, but sometimes I just don’t know if I have another one in me,” the haggard 47-year-old said after clutching his children and telling them that everything will be all right as tears welled up in his eyes. “I used to have to do this kind of thing maybe once a year, at most, but now it seems like every couple of weeks I’m rushing home to hug my family, be thankful they weren’t the ones killed in a horrific shooting or bombing, and assure them I will always be there to protect them and keep them safe. Man, it gets exhausting.” At press time, Sifton was telling his children something like this would never happen again, a practice he has mastered over the past six months.

Coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close