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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man Growing A Little Tired Of Rushing Home To Hug Loved Ones

ST. LOUIS—Following the deadly explosions Monday that rocked the city of Boston, area man Tom Sifton told reporters he’s getting pretty tired of frantically rushing home from work as fast as he possibly can to hug his loved ones tight. “I realize that desperately racing home to my wife and kids so I can hold them and tell them I love them is part of the routine now and I need to get used to it, but sometimes I just don’t know if I have another one in me,” the haggard 47-year-old said after clutching his children and telling them that everything will be all right as tears welled up in his eyes. “I used to have to do this kind of thing maybe once a year, at most, but now it seems like every couple of weeks I’m rushing home to hug my family, be thankful they weren’t the ones killed in a horrific shooting or bombing, and assure them I will always be there to protect them and keep them safe. Man, it gets exhausting.” At press time, Sifton was telling his children something like this would never happen again, a practice he has mastered over the past six months.

Coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

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