adBlockCheck

Local

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Guesses He'll Learn The Difference Between Shiites And Sunnis

PORTLAND, OR—Nearly four years into the war in Iraq, local sales representative Howard Morrison finally conceded that it was probably time to just pick up a newspaper and figure out what distinguishes Sunni Muslims from Shiite Muslims. "At first I really thought this whole thing would work itself out, and there was no need to figure out who was who," said Morrision, adding that it used to be enough to know the difference between Iraq and Iran. "But this is turning out to be pretty complicated and I should at least learn which side are the insurgents. I know one of them's Islamic." Morrison said he would have time for the new subject since giving up trying to learn the difference between trans fats and regular fats last week.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close