Area Man Had No Idea There Was So Much To Know About Buying A Sofa

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Man Had No Idea There Was So Much To Know About Buying A Sofa

HIGH POINT, NC—After spending more than three hours hearing about the world of choices available for his comfort, convenience and satisfaction as a new couch owner, area home-furnishings shopper Lee Rothamer admitted Monday that he had no idea there was so much to know about buying a sofa.

Lee Rothamer, who mistakenly thought he would be able to simply select a sofa and purchase it.

"I always thought that once I'd decided which color I wanted, that would be it," said Rothamer, browsing the aisles of the east-side location of Anton's Furniture. "Boy, was I wrong."

Rothamer—who was guided through his sofa purchase by Randy Gurvis, his friendly, knowledgeable Anton's Furniture sales associate—had initially allotted just one hour for the purchase, operating under the assumption that he could simply walk into the store, find a sofa he liked, pay for it, and leave.

"I guess I'm going to be late for work," said Rothamer after more than an hour at Anton's. "There are all these options I have to choose from. For the most part, I don't know what to say. I just sort of want a couch."

Gurvis, who in his 11 years as an Anton's Furniture "Gold Star" floor man has attended 14 sales-training seminars and six product shows held by major home-furnishings manufacturers, told Rothamer he was fully committed to helping him find the "perfect piece."

"Lee, here at Anton's, you aren't forced to choose from just three or four models," Gurvis said. "I realize you probably feel somewhat overwhelmed by Anton's incredible selection of high-quality, top-brand sofas, recliners, hide-away beds and loveseats. But in the long run, you'll appreciate being given the chance to find the exact couch that's custom-tailored to suit your specific needs and wants."

Rothamer, who declined to fill out the 15-point Anton's Customer Survey, was questioned by Gurvis about his planned uses for the sofa and the style of the room in which it is to go. Unable to provide any answers, Rothamer noted that his apartment was "new and pretty big" and that he was "thinking of getting something nice."

"I've got a decent amount of money I can spend," Rothamer said. "So, I don't know, what do you have?"

Applauding Rothamer's willingness to pay a little extra for quality, Gurvis told him that a couch like a Broyhill three-piece sectional can last up to twice as long as one costing 30 percent less. Gurvis then took Rothamer on a tour of the showroom, pointing out the dazzling array of available styles, which include traditional, modern, informal and country.

Rothamer was also told he could either mix and match couches, chairs and accent pieces or simply purchase a single themed set, such as Rustic, Queen Anne or Cottage.

"And if you want to special-order a couch with another fabric, Lee, not only are there thousands of patterns to choose from," said Gurvis, handing Rothamer a 10-pound book of swatches, "but you can choose among cotton, linen, wool and polyester, just to name a few. Or you could go with a classy crushed velveteen or a durable, kid-friendly nylon. Or even the lesser-known but equally good Olefin. Lee, it's all up to you."

"Then, of course, there's the eternal question," Gurvis added. "To Stainguard™ or not to Stainguard™?"

After sitting on five couches while Gurvis stood over him and tried to gauge his reaction, Rothamer stopped at a dark-green, square-backed couch.

"This is pretty nice," Rothamer said. "Do all those pillows come with it?" Responding that the pillows did not, Gurvis praised Rothamer's interest in the Contemporary Casuals piece.

"It's very nice, simple yet elegant—the perfect bachelor statement," Gurvis said. "And though you can't see it, this couch has an exceptional frame. The type of wood, springs and padding inside a couch should be one of the most important factors in your decision."

"High-density polyurethane foam is the most common core used in the industry, but premium-end manufacturers always offer a variety of other core options, including dacron fiber, innerspring coils and even goose down," Gurvis continued. "And, as you may or may not know, a frame can be glued, joined, nailed or screwed together, all with varying effects on cost and durability."

Admitting that he had not known that, Rothamer took out his American Express card and told Gurvis he would take "that green one." Rothamer, stunned by the final price after sales tax and add-ons, then signed the credit-card slip. He was told he could expect delivery of his new couch, a model Gurvis said is on factory back order, sometime between Nov. 1 and Jan. 10.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close