Area Man Has Complete Prison-Survival Strategy Mapped Out

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Area Man Has Complete Prison-Survival Strategy Mapped Out

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Josh Kroll, 32, an Atlanta-area database administrator, has his complete prison-survival strategy mapped out in the unlikely event that he is ever jailed.

Law-abiding citizen Josh Kroll.

"You never know what life is going to bring," said Kroll, whose lone brush with the law was a 1994 speeding ticket. "I could find someone sleeping with my wife and, in a psychotic state of shock, kill him. Or I could accidentally hit somebody with my car and then flee the scene in panic. Or I could forget to report some major source of income and get nailed for tax evasion. It's not inconceivable. There's nothing wrong with thinking ahead."

Kroll said he has worked through many possible strategies for prison survival.

"If I'm in a maximum-security prison, I need to figure out who's important and who's not," Kroll said. "There's always the possibility I'm going to have to be somebody's bitch, so if that happened, I'd want to be with somebody who'd protect me. But I might be able to avoid all that because I was pre-law as an undergrad and could be useful to the other prisoners for legal advice."

Kroll, who has never been inside a prison, said he has relied heavily on prison-themed movies and TV shows in his effort to develop a game plan.

"Based on what I've seen on Oz, I'd probably want to steer clear of the weight room," Kroll said. "That's where most of the bullies hang out, plus there's no shortage of blunt weapons lying around. And if at all possible, I'd want to keep away from the kitchen pantry, too. That's where a lot of the stabbings seem to take place on the show—somebody goes in there alone to grab something and gets jumped."

Well aware of the value of having loyal friends on the outside, Kroll has drawn up a mental list of people most likely to stick by him in case of a lengthy prison sentence.

"Unless I was arrested for child molesting, Scott [Havens] would stick by me," Kroll said. "I think Marc [Unger] would, too, but I don't think I could get him to smuggle anything in for me. He'd be too afraid of getting thrown in jail himself."

Kroll said he could not confidently assess the loyalty of his wife in the event of incarceration.

"With things being so rocky lately, Jane just might use prison as a chance to take off and divorce me," Kroll said. "Then again, my imprisonment might be the kind of terrible crisis to bring us closer together. If that's the case, I'm hoping for minimum security so I can get conjugal visits."

Kroll, who has previously drafted survival strategies for getting lost in the mountains, being kidnapped by South American drug lords, and falling into a polar-bear cage at the zoo, said his chances of surviving prison are "good to very good."

"After being released on bail, I would immediately begin my rigorous weight-training and self-defense regimen," Kroll said. "I've even toyed with the idea of locking myself in a closet to get used to solitary confinement. With some books on elementary psychology, I'd probably do pretty well 'in the walls.'"

According to psychologist Dr. Annette Trudeau, plotting out theoretical prison-survival strategies is surprisingly common.

"The human being is an animal with extremely strong self-preservation instincts," Trudeau said. "In this regard, Mr. Kroll's preparatory measures make perfect sense. But while devising emergency plans is understandable, Kroll should realize that no matter how much he prepares, the only thing he can count on in prison is having his creamy white ass churned into butter."