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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man Has No Idea How He Got On Hamas E-Mail List

ATLANTA—Twenty-two-year-old bank teller Paul Branocek told reporters Wednesday he is clueless as to why the militant Palestinian organization Hamas began sending e-mails to his personal account urging him to raise the banner of jihad and eradicate the state of Israel. "Oh, come on, another one?" said Branocek, explaining that he receives at least one call-to-arms against the Zionist menace a week and cannot request to be removed from the list because the e-mails contain no unsubscribe link or reply-to address. "I can't believe the spam filter doesn't catch these by now." Admitting that he may have "checked the wrong box or something" while making an online purchase, Branocek said it was more likely Facebook had sold his profile information to the group.

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