adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Has No Idea How He Got On Hamas E-Mail List

ATLANTA—Twenty-two-year-old bank teller Paul Branocek told reporters Wednesday he is clueless as to why the militant Palestinian organization Hamas began sending e-mails to his personal account urging him to raise the banner of jihad and eradicate the state of Israel. "Oh, come on, another one?" said Branocek, explaining that he receives at least one call-to-arms against the Zionist menace a week and cannot request to be removed from the list because the e-mails contain no unsubscribe link or reply-to address. "I can't believe the spam filter doesn't catch these by now." Admitting that he may have "checked the wrong box or something" while making an online purchase, Branocek said it was more likely Facebook had sold his profile information to the group.

More from this section

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close