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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man Has No Idea How To Get Copy Of Birth Certificate

AKRON, OH—Michael Stills, 25, told reporters Friday he had absolutely no idea how to obtain a copy of his birth certificate, a document that a potential employer has required him to provide before interviewing for a job. "I tried to get it online, but you can't," said Stills, who added that his mother refused to mail him her copy for fear it might get lost. "I called Akron General, but I didn't know which department to ask for, and I'm not actually sure that's the right hospital. Maybe the courthouse would have it?" As of press time, Stills said he had made no progress tracking down the document but had inadvertently applied for a commercial trucker's license while searching for information on the DMV website.

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