Area Man Has No Idea Why He Wrote 'Gazebo Convo-Resolve/Tues (!?)' In Planner Six Weeks Ago

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LOS ANGELES–According to Hollywood insiders, that guy who plays the doctor with the beard on that one show was spotted at this L.A. restaurant with the blonde chick who takes the shower in the airplane bathroom in that one shampoo commercial. "She was wearing this red, glittery dress," said that blonde Extra reporter who just had a baby. "And the guy was like, 'Hey, I'm dating the shampoo girl.'" The sighting laid to rest rumors that the guy is engaged to that girl who played the waitress in the movie about cars that came out a few weeks ago.

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ALEXANDRIA, LA–Lakeview Elementary School first-grader Ian Schweder has clearly just taken his first steps into the world of swearing, classroom sources reported Monday. "He must've just seen a sweary movie," classmate Caitlin Lorenz said. "He always runs around the playground yelling, 'Fucky fucky shit fuck,' and dirty stuff like that." In the past two days, Schweder has composed a ribald song titled "Shit Shit Boobies," covered three sheets of notebook paper with scatological malediction, and attempted to tell a joke about "a girl who saw a boy's pussy."

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LOS ANGELES–Former 21 Jump Street and Booker star Richard Grieco accidentally gave his star power to charity Monday, when a truck collecting for Goodwill Industries of Southern California made off with his charisma. "I just told the driver to help himself to whatever was in the garage," said the 36-year-old Grieco, star of 1991's If Looks Could Kill. "I had no idea my star power was in there." Grieco attempted to buy back his celebrity magnetism at the La Brea Avenue Goodwill store several hours later, only to be told that Jorge Reyes of East Los Angeles had purchased it for $4.

Senate Votes To Add Gratuity To All Bills Of Eight Provisions Or More

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Slain Cop Had Only 37 Years Until Retirement

DETROIT–In a tragic twist of fate, Detroit police officer Stephen Brophy was cut down in the line of duty Monday, just 37 years before he was to retire. "Just yesterday, Stephen was talking about all the plans he and his wife had for 2038," said officer Pete Driscoll, Brophy's short-time partner, who was with the 28-year-old when he was fatally shot by an armed robber. "They were going to tour the country in an RV or maybe build a house in Maine, right after Stephen wrapped up his last four decades on the force." Added Driscoll: "His greatest wish was to see his daughter get married. Or his son if it was a boy."
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Area Man Has No Idea Why He Wrote 'Gazebo Convo-Resolve/Tues (!?)' In Planner Six Weeks Ago

NEW LONDON, CT–Gil Woller, a marketing manager at Hartley Automated Systems, expressed bafflement Monday upon discovering the message "Gazebo Convo–resolve/Tues (!?)" in the June 22 space in his daily planner.

Woller sits near the cryptic-note-bearing planner.

"I was flipping through my planner for a phone number I wrote down a while back, and this mysterious gazebo-convo-Tuesday message turned up," the 42-year-old Woller said. "I had absolutely no clue what it meant. I scanned the next several Tuesdays to see if there were any notes regarding the resolution of a gazebo convo–whatever that is–but there was nothing. I haven't been able to think about anything else since."

Woller, who has no regular contact with gazebos, either professionally or personally, said he has read the message aloud countless times, hoping that doing so might jog his memory.

"Convo... convo...," Woller said. "Conversation? Convention? Convocation? Convoy? It's got to be convention. But I haven't been at a convention since last fall, and it had nothing to do with gazebos."

Woller's confusion and dismay over the note has been exacerbated by the presence of a small, unchecked box beside it, suggesting that the task, whatever it is, remains uncompleted.

"Somewhere, a gazebo convo happened that I missed or am going to miss," Woller said. "I could kick myself, if only I knew what I need to kick myself for."

Directly adjacent to the note, in the page's margin, is a small doodle of a fish and a series of interconnected diamonds. Woller said he has carefully analyzed the drawings for clues that may help him solve the riddle.

"The fish leads me to believe that the gazebo could be near a lake or river. Or possibly a seafood restaurant," Woller said. "Or it could just be a random doodle. I don't know."

After a frustrating day in which he completed little work, Woller continued his investigation at home Monday evening.

"I asked my wife Judy if she knew anything about a gazebo," Woller said. "She said she recalled sitting in one two summers ago when we took the kids to that resort in the Poconos. But then she thought about it a little more and said it was actually more of a screened-in porch. Either way, I doubt that's got anything to do with this."

According to noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum, Woller's obsession with the cryptic gazebo-convo message is understandable.

"It is only natural that something like this would cause Gil to experience a great deal of cognitive dissonance," Wasserbaum said. "We all need to feel like the things we do in life have a purpose and aren't merely a series of empty, forgettable exercises devoid of cause or effect. But how can a person feel a sense of purpose when he doesn't even know what he did?"

Bolting awake at 4 a.m. Tuesday, Woller theorized that "Gazebo" could be the name of a business and resolved to pore over the yellow pages first thing in the morning.

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