adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Has Own Version Of Neighborhood-Watch Program

ATTLEBORO, MA–Fred Parisi has his own version of a neighborhood-watch program, the 53-year-old Attleboro resident reported Tuesday. "I try to keep a close eye on things," said the concerned citizen, who canvasses his neighborhood nightly. "I especially try to look out for those individuals most vulnerable to attackers, like young women. You wouldn't believe how easy it is for some sicko to spot a girl who's home all alone." Parisi said he recently began compiling a photo archive of local residents "for security purposes."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close