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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man Has Sex With Man To Get Out Of Office Blood Drive

ABBEVILLE, GA—In an effort to devise a plausible reason to excuse himself from an office-wide blood donation drive this Friday, systems specialist Brett Karns, 32, reporterdly engaged in unprotected sex with another man last weekend.

"When the nurse asks me if I've participated in any high-risk sexual activity recently, I don't want to have to lie," said Karns, who describes himself as squeamish about needles. "Maybe she wouldn't question my story, but better safe than sorry, right?"

Karns told reporters he intends to have sex with another man next week to get out of his office's canned food drive.

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