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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Man Has Sex With Man To Get Out Of Office Blood Drive

ABBEVILLE, GA—In an effort to devise a plausible reason to excuse himself from an office-wide blood donation drive this Friday, systems specialist Brett Karns, 32, reporterdly engaged in unprotected sex with another man last weekend.

"When the nurse asks me if I've participated in any high-risk sexual activity recently, I don't want to have to lie," said Karns, who describes himself as squeamish about needles. "Maybe she wouldn't question my story, but better safe than sorry, right?"

Karns told reporters he intends to have sex with another man next week to get out of his office's canned food drive.

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