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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Man Has Shitty Fuckin' Job

CLEVELAND, OH—Cleveland-area resident Douglas Torricelli, 34, announced Monday that his full-time job with Seifert's Cement and Gravel, which he has held for nearly two years, is a shitty fuckin' job. "I don't know why I work in that shit hole," he said. "That's one shitty fuckin' job I've got." Torricelli cited as key reasons for his announcement the job's long-ass hours and bullshit pay. He went on to strongly condemn his fat, asshole boss and the stupid fucking idiots he has to work with. He also assailed the goddamned bus he must ride every morning, which he claims is a living hell. Added Torricelli: "I could care less about fucking Seifert's Cement and Gravel." Torricelli is expected to arrive at work tomorrow morning as scheduled.

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