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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Area Man Has Shitty Fuckin' Job

CLEVELAND, OH—Cleveland-area resident Douglas Torricelli, 34, announced Monday that his full-time job with Seifert's Cement and Gravel, which he has held for nearly two years, is a shitty fuckin' job. "I don't know why I work in that shit hole," he said. "That's one shitty fuckin' job I've got." Torricelli cited as key reasons for his announcement the job's long-ass hours and bullshit pay. He went on to strongly condemn his fat, asshole boss and the stupid fucking idiots he has to work with. He also assailed the goddamned bus he must ride every morning, which he claims is a living hell. Added Torricelli: "I could care less about fucking Seifert's Cement and Gravel." Torricelli is expected to arrive at work tomorrow morning as scheduled.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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