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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Despite local contractor Danny Polazza's frequent claims that "he knows a few guys," friends confirmed Monday that the 42-year-old's ties to the Mafia are actually pretty shitty. "He's always using this really knowing voice to ask us if there's anything we need—'anything at all'—but the most impressive thing he's ever come through with is tickets to a semi-pro hockey match," said Ryan Lambert, who grew up with Polazza and once received a free case of Vitamin Water from him. "Sometimes he'll show up with these calzones that are really delicious, but I'm pretty sure he pays for those out of his own pocket." Reached for comment, Polazza told reporters that if they kept their mouths shut and didn't ask too many questions, he could get them backstage during New Brunswick High School's spring production of Pippin.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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