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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Despite local contractor Danny Polazza's frequent claims that "he knows a few guys," friends confirmed Monday that the 42-year-old's ties to the Mafia are actually pretty shitty. "He's always using this really knowing voice to ask us if there's anything we need—'anything at all'—but the most impressive thing he's ever come through with is tickets to a semi-pro hockey match," said Ryan Lambert, who grew up with Polazza and once received a free case of Vitamin Water from him. "Sometimes he'll show up with these calzones that are really delicious, but I'm pretty sure he pays for those out of his own pocket." Reached for comment, Polazza told reporters that if they kept their mouths shut and didn't ask too many questions, he could get them backstage during New Brunswick High School's spring production of Pippin.

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