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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Area Man Having Difficulty Getting People To Sign Up For His NIT Bracket Pool

WEXFORD, PA—Despite his assertions that this year was shaping up to be one of the most wide-open and exciting tournaments in recent memory, sources confirmed Monday that local man Nick Moreno continued to struggle in his efforts to sign anyone up for his NIT bracket pool. “Hey guys, just a reminder to get in your NIT brackets and 10 bucks by the end of the day today,” Moreno said to a group of stone-faced coworkers who had barely skimmed his latest email encouraging everyone to “get in on the action” by making their predictions for the field of 32. “I bet most of you will have Georgia State going all the way this year, but, I don’t know, I think St. Mary’s really has a shot at the title as a four-seed. But we can talk picks after everyone’s brackets are in. And if anyone needs me to send the password for the group again, just let me know.” At press time, Moreno had sent a last-minute email offering to lower the buy-in fee to five dollars.

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