adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Having Difficulty Getting People To Sign Up For His NIT Bracket Pool

WEXFORD, PA—Despite his assertions that this year was shaping up to be one of the most wide-open and exciting tournaments in recent memory, sources confirmed Monday that local man Nick Moreno continued to struggle in his efforts to sign anyone up for his NIT bracket pool. “Hey guys, just a reminder to get in your NIT brackets and 10 bucks by the end of the day today,” Moreno said to a group of stone-faced coworkers who had barely skimmed his latest email encouraging everyone to “get in on the action” by making their predictions for the field of 32. “I bet most of you will have Georgia State going all the way this year, but, I don’t know, I think St. Mary’s really has a shot at the title as a four-seed. But we can talk picks after everyone’s brackets are in. And if anyone needs me to send the password for the group again, just let me know.” At press time, Moreno had sent a last-minute email offering to lower the buy-in fee to five dollars.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close