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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Area Man Honored To Have Name In Hat

ST. CLOUD, MN—Rotary Club banquet attendee Phil Tipton, 46, told reporters Monday that he was "humbled" to have his name included in the Minnesota Twins baseball cap used for the event's door-prize drawing. "Just having a slip of paper with my name on it alongside [club president] Bill Sharpling and [treasurer] Gil Orman is more than enough of a prize for me," said Tipton, who expressed a similar sentiment after bidding in the same silent auction as St. Cloud transportation commissioner Hal Lerner during a 2005 muscular dystrophy fundraiser. "In a way, I already feel like I've won that car-detailing gift certificate." Upon losing the drawing, Tipton reportedly called the entire organization "bullshit" and tore a large 4-H banner off of the wall before storming out of the VFW hall.

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FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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