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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Area Man Honored To Have Name In Hat

ST. CLOUD, MN—Rotary Club banquet attendee Phil Tipton, 46, told reporters Monday that he was "humbled" to have his name included in the Minnesota Twins baseball cap used for the event's door-prize drawing. "Just having a slip of paper with my name on it alongside [club president] Bill Sharpling and [treasurer] Gil Orman is more than enough of a prize for me," said Tipton, who expressed a similar sentiment after bidding in the same silent auction as St. Cloud transportation commissioner Hal Lerner during a 2005 muscular dystrophy fundraiser. "In a way, I already feel like I've won that car-detailing gift certificate." Upon losing the drawing, Tipton reportedly called the entire organization "bullshit" and tore a large 4-H banner off of the wall before storming out of the VFW hall.
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