adBlockCheck

Area Man Hoping Cell Phone Breaks So He Can Get Better One

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Man Hoping Cell Phone Breaks So He Can Get Better One

CHULA VISTA, CA—Dave Sychak, a San Diego-area project manager and self-described "gadget freak," has been increasingly careless with his 10-month-old cell phone in the hopes that he will have to replace it, sources reported Monday.

Sychak with his 10-month-old Motorola V60.

"Overall, this is a great phone," Sychak said of the Motorola V60 he has carried since last October, in recent weeks in his back pocket. "I really can't complain. It may not have some of the bells and whistles I've seen on some of the newer models, like mobile messaging or color display or downloadable interface graphics, but it still suits my basic needs just fine. I shouldn't need a new one for a long time, barring the unforeseen."

Added Sychak: "It's extremely durable, too. You can drop it onto the kitchen floor while cradling it on your shoulder and talking to your mom as you're boiling spaghetti, nearly dropping it into the hot water. And it barely even gets scratched up when you prop a door open with it."

Sychak's recent lack of affection for his cell phone has prompted him to treat it in a manner he never would have upon acquiring it. During the first four or five months of ownership, Sychak was extremely careful with the phone, taking pains to keep it in its protective case and handle it gently. Today, however, he routinely flips the phone open like a Star Trek communicator, leaves it out in the sun on the dashboard of his car, and, after finishing an unpleasant call, tosses it to the ground in anger.

Friends have warned Sychak to exercise caution with the phone, to no avail.

"I've told Dave he should be more careful with that thing," coworker Rob Litt said. "If he doesn't, it's going to end up like that Nokia he broke just as the new ones hit the market. At the very least, he's going to have to replace the faceplate with a fancy new one pretty soon. That thing's scratched to hell."

Sychak longingly eyes a display case of new cell phones.

"The other day, he was about to throw a pair of pants into the laundry when I happened to notice [the phone] sticking out of one of the pockets," said girlfriend Jeannie Gaffney, whose three-year relationship with Sychak has outlasted four cell phones. "As he's pulling it out, he says, 'Good thing my phone doesn't have a built-in PDA receiver like that new Ericsson R280LX Digital 'Wireless Web' Internet Phone. I'd hate to have almost ruined a phone with that.'"

Sychak's other cell-phone-destructive behaviors include absentmindedly flipping and catching the phone while walking down the street, sliding it across tables to friends who ask to use it, and occasionally using it as a makeshift flyswatter.

In recent weeks, Sychak has also made a habit of forgetting the phone in restaurants. Each time, however, a waiter or fellow patron has caught his mistake and returned the phone to him. Nervous that he will eventually lose it and be caught without a phone, Sychak has begun browsing Nokia's web site so he will know what to order in case he needs to make a fast purchase.

Sychak is at a loss to explain his problem.

"I don't know why I keep having to replace my cell phone," said Sychak in a phone interview. "For some strange reason, I have the worst luck with these things. Hey, sorry about the noise on the line. I have to keep banging this thing on tables to get rid of the static."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close