adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Just Ruined It For Everyone

MORGANTOWN, WV—Area resident Adam Poole just had to go and ruin it for everyone Wednesday after taking advantage of a long-standing privilege that, until he came along, everybody respected enough not to exploit. "We had it so good—everyone really appreciated the amount of leeway we were given, and now, because of this guy, we all have to suffer," said Andrew Schechter, who joined his peers in a long, icy glare at Poole moments after the honor had been revoked. "He says we’re overreacting, but he hasn’t been here long enough to understand what it was like before. If he thinks our silent treatment is tough, wait until we start talking about him like he isn’t even here." Though Poole said he was unaware he was taking advantage of anything, his peers informed him that he really just should have known better.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close