Area Man Just Wants Regular Haircut Without All The Frou-Frou

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Vol 36 Issue 31

Area Man's Recommended Daily Caloric Intake Exceeded By 9 A.M.

MEMPHIS, TN–At 8:56 a.m. Monday, Len Blake consumed his 2,401st calorie of the day, surpassing his recommended daily caloric intake of 2,400 a full 14 hours before bedtime. "At 8:20 a.m., Len had a Meat Lover's Skillet at the Waffle House, providing him with an estimated 2,150 calories," dietitian Dr. Dan Yary said. "Thirty minutes later, en route to work, he picked up an 800-calorie Cinnabon roll, three bites into which he passed the 2,400 mark." Blake also ate one of the recommended five daily servings of vegetables in the form of onions in his hash browns.

New Orleans Adopts $10 Cover Charge

NEW ORLEANS–New Orleans announced plans Monday to impose a $10 cover charge on all nonresidents seeking to enter the city. "For $10, visitors will receive unlimited access to all bars and nightclubs, three drink tickets, and a free 'Certified Muff Diver' T-shirt," said Mayor Marc Morial, flanked by a pair of the city's bouncers. "Those who want to leave the city and return before 2 a.m. can get their hand stamped for readmission." Women who flash their breasts will be admitted at the reduced rate of $8.

God Damns Minnesota Vikings As Requested

LIBERTYVILLE, IL–Responding to a fourth-quarter cry from diehard Chicago Bears fan Lester Ruddick, God damned the Minnesota Vikings Sunday. "Players and employees of the Vikings organization," God announced from Heaven, "I have heard the pleas of Lester Ruddick in the final moments of a devastating 30-27 Bears loss to the Vikings, and My wrath shall burn forever against you. No supplication, no contrition can help you now. Every last one of you, from All-Pro wideout Randy Moss all the way down to third-string left guard Chris Liwienski, shall be damned to an eternity of pain and suffering."

Jury Finds Defendant Pretty

FREMONT, CA–Meredith Kent, a 26-year-old Fremont woman charged with four counts of bribery and embezzlement, was found pretty by a jury of her peers Monday. "She has an absolutely lovely face–it took no time at all for us to reach a consensus about that," jury foreman Richard Bloch, 58, said. "And her neck is amazingly long and graceful like a swan's." Kent was longingly cross-examined for nearly an hour before the verdict of pretty was announced.

Someday, I Will Drive This Short Bus Myself

I love the short yellow school bus! Riding the bus is fun! I ride the bus to school every day, but I also ride the bus to other places, too. When I go on trips with Miss Lang and everybody in the special-needs class, we all get on the bus and go to the zoo or the planetarium. One time, we ate pizza at Pizza Hut, and we took the bus then, too. And you know what? Someday, I'm going to drive the bus myself!

Western Wildfires

Wildfires are sweeping across the Western U.S., with nearly 1.5 million acres in Montana and Idaho engulfed in flames. What is the government doing to combat the problem?

Advertising Executive Gets In Touch With Inner-Child Demographic

BOSTON–Struggling to find the perfect marketing hook for a new rainbow-colored string-cheese snack, Holland Mark Advertising executive Darius McLain got in touch with his own inner-child demographic–a purchasing sector he had all but forgotten since the onset of adolescence. "I asked myself, what would make a kid want to buy Color Magic Cheez-bows?" said McLain, 44, after the emotional breakthrough. "Only after looking within myself and rediscovering the 8- to 12-year-old male buried deep inside did I hit upon the ideal angle." McLain next plans to get in touch with his feminine-urban-professional side to develop a campaign for No Nonsense pantyhose.

Exit Interview Goes Well

DEARBORN, MI–Laid off Monday from his billing-manager position at Automatic Data Processing, Howard Pfaff reported that his exit interview with human-resources associate Lorraine Bochy "went pretty well."
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Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Comedy

Area Man Just Wants Regular Haircut Without All The Frou-Frou

GLENDALE, AZ–Retired building contractor Bud Easler, 67, who ordinarily patronizes Vic's Barbershop, informed Studio Quest hairstylist Gina Nardo Sunday that he just wants "a regular haircut, without all the frou-frou."

Bud Easler stands outside Studio Quest hair salon.

"The wife dragged me along on one of her all-day shopping expeditions, and right next to her shoe store was this hair place. I knew Mary would be looking at shoes for a long time, and I was due for a little trim, so I figured what the hey," Easler said. "Big mistake."

"The second I walked in the door, I knew it was trying to be one of those frilly-dilly places," Easler said of Studio Quest, which bills itself as "a European-style salon and day spa with professional services at affordable prices." "I sat down in the chair, and right off the bat, this Gina gal was all deep-cleansing-conditioner this, collagen-shampoo that. I just wanted my hair a few inches shorter, and that's it."

The frou-frou started before Easler had even reached Nardo's chair. Upon telling receptionist Kirsten Mills that he wanted a haircut, Easler was asked if he would like a manicure or body treatment, as well.

"I sure as heck don't look like no lady, so I don't know why she was asking me about a manicure," Easler said. "And as far as a 'body treatment' goes, I didn't know what on Earth that was, but it sure sounded funny, so I just said no without even asking what it was."

Easler's refusal hardly streamlined the haircut process, however.

"I usually just like to sit in a chair and maybe flip through a magazine while Vic or one of the other fellas cuts my hair," Easler said. "But this Gina gal, she had a question every step of the way. Did I want guava-essence shampoo or wildflower with extract? Would I like to see a list of microdermabrasion scalp exfoliators? Did I want vitamin E and a sea-algae moisturizing spritz? So I say to her, 'Look, if you want to maybe shave the back of my neck, that would be fine.'"

Before she began cutting, Nardo rubbed what Easler described as "some sort of fancy oil" into his scalp. She then put a towel over his head and left him for five minutes while the substance soaked in.

"The gal just took off," Easler said. "So after a few minutes, I looked around the joint and said, 'Yoo-hoo! Where are you? I hope you didn't forget about me!' Then she came back." When she returned, Nardo explained that she had applied a regenerative conditioning scalp treatment with warm mineral soak, which was included in the price of the haircut. She added that, from the looks of Easler's ends, he "really needed it."

Throughout the session, Nardo recommended a number of skin procedures Easler should consider having done. According to the stylist, years of neglect had dried out Easler's pores, making him a prime candidate for a deep-pore cleansing facial, which includes a skin analysis, steam treatment, and enzyme masque.

Easler declined the facial. Undeterred, Nardo began giving him a one-minute mini scalp massage, which "serves to reinvigorate tired follicles." Easler quickly cut her off, insisting that he didn't have a lot of time, and that he just wanted "your basic trim."

"I told her my follicles were fine and that I just needed a quick, regular, old-fashioned haircut," Easler said. "Even my wife can't shop forever."

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