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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Man Knows Exactly Which Relatives Would Be Problem If He Ever Came Into Money

METHUEN, MA—Saying that he can already picture them calling him up at all hours and feeding him their sad sack stories to try to win his sympathy, 37-year-old local man Shawn DeWeese told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which of his relatives would cause problems for him if he ever came into a serious amount of money. “If I ever hit it big, I guarantee my brother Danny would be the first one scratching at my door—that pain in the ass is always mooching off me and asking to use my car,” said DeWeese, remarking that if he were to “score that kind of cash,” there would be no way to keep it secret, “not in [his] goddamn family.” “My aunt and uncle, my cousin Ed who can’t hold down a job—jeez, the whole Blanchard side of the family would probably just camp out here looking for a little piece, even though they’ve never done a thing for me. And then there’s [ex-girlfriend] Carol—she’s not family, but she’d still come sniffing around too, probably acting all nice to me for a change. Basically, everyone’s going to want a piece of what’s mine.” DeWeese added that while he would of course be willing to help out in the event of a family emergency, he wouldn’t just hand out any of his hypothetical riches to help anyone “open a goddamn restaurant or anything dumb like that.”

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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