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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Knows Exactly Which Relatives Would Be Problem If He Ever Came Into Money

METHUEN, MA—Saying that he can already picture them calling him up at all hours and feeding him their sad sack stories to try to win his sympathy, 37-year-old local man Shawn DeWeese told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which of his relatives would cause problems for him if he ever came into a serious amount of money. “If I ever hit it big, I guarantee my brother Danny would be the first one scratching at my door—that pain in the ass is always mooching off me and asking to use my car,” said DeWeese, remarking that if he were to “score that kind of cash,” there would be no way to keep it secret, “not in [his] goddamn family.” “My aunt and uncle, my cousin Ed who can’t hold down a job—jeez, the whole Blanchard side of the family would probably just camp out here looking for a little piece, even though they’ve never done a thing for me. And then there’s [ex-girlfriend] Carol—she’s not family, but she’d still come sniffing around too, probably acting all nice to me for a change. Basically, everyone’s going to want a piece of what’s mine.” DeWeese added that while he would of course be willing to help out in the event of a family emergency, he wouldn’t just hand out any of his hypothetical riches to help anyone “open a goddamn restaurant or anything dumb like that.”

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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