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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Man Knows Exactly Which Relatives Would Be Problem If He Ever Came Into Money

METHUEN, MA—Saying that he can already picture them calling him up at all hours and feeding him their sad sack stories to try to win his sympathy, 37-year-old local man Shawn DeWeese told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which of his relatives would cause problems for him if he ever came into a serious amount of money. “If I ever hit it big, I guarantee my brother Danny would be the first one scratching at my door—that pain in the ass is always mooching off me and asking to use my car,” said DeWeese, remarking that if he were to “score that kind of cash,” there would be no way to keep it secret, “not in [his] goddamn family.” “My aunt and uncle, my cousin Ed who can’t hold down a job—jeez, the whole Blanchard side of the family would probably just camp out here looking for a little piece, even though they’ve never done a thing for me. And then there’s [ex-girlfriend] Carol—she’s not family, but she’d still come sniffing around too, probably acting all nice to me for a change. Basically, everyone’s going to want a piece of what’s mine.” DeWeese added that while he would of course be willing to help out in the event of a family emergency, he wouldn’t just hand out any of his hypothetical riches to help anyone “open a goddamn restaurant or anything dumb like that.”

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