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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Area Man Lies Awake At Night Worrying About Toner Cartridges

SECAUCUS, NJ—For the third night in a row, office manager Kenneth Browning lay awake until 4 a.m. Monday, thinking about the possibility of a toner-cartridge shortage at Miklewski Law Publishing Company. "God, if the Tuesday shipment is delayed for some reason, that could cause a real fiasco up on the third floor, especially if the proofing department's copier machine is running low, too," Browning thought near the 2 a.m. mark of the almost-sleepless night. "I should have checked the first-floor supply cabinets on Friday, just to set my mind at ease." Two hours later, his fully conscious toner-cartridge-related thoughts faded into dreams of tiny toner cartridges growing legs and scurrying away as Browning tried to grab them.

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