Area Man Lies Awake At Night Worrying About Toner Cartridges

Top Headlines

Recent News

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Man Lies Awake At Night Worrying About Toner Cartridges

SECAUCUS, NJ—For the third night in a row, office manager Kenneth Browning lay awake until 4 a.m. Monday, thinking about the possibility of a toner-cartridge shortage at Miklewski Law Publishing Company. "God, if the Tuesday shipment is delayed for some reason, that could cause a real fiasco up on the third floor, especially if the proofing department's copier machine is running low, too," Browning thought near the 2 a.m. mark of the almost-sleepless night. "I should have checked the first-floor supply cabinets on Friday, just to set my mind at ease." Two hours later, his fully conscious toner-cartridge-related thoughts faded into dreams of tiny toner cartridges growing legs and scurrying away as Browning tried to grab them.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close