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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Area Man Lies Awake At Night Worrying About Toner Cartridges

SECAUCUS, NJ—For the third night in a row, office manager Kenneth Browning lay awake until 4 a.m. Monday, thinking about the possibility of a toner-cartridge shortage at Miklewski Law Publishing Company. "God, if the Tuesday shipment is delayed for some reason, that could cause a real fiasco up on the third floor, especially if the proofing department's copier machine is running low, too," Browning thought near the 2 a.m. mark of the almost-sleepless night. "I should have checked the first-floor supply cabinets on Friday, just to set my mind at ease." Two hours later, his fully conscious toner-cartridge-related thoughts faded into dreams of tiny toner cartridges growing legs and scurrying away as Browning tried to grab them.

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