After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Area Man Lives Vicariously Through Son's Bully

CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Mike Zerbe, 39, father of bullied son Timmy Zerbe, 8, expressed avid interest in the fighting stance and other qualities of 9-year-old playground tormentor Josh Kalish.

"Wow, sounds like this kid is pretty beefy," Zerbe said upon hearing how Kalish rubbed his shy, undersized son's face repeatedly into the mud and forced him to say "I'm a gay girl" in front of several of his peers. "Bet he's got a good punch for someone his age, too. Bam! Probably a linebacker on that Pop Warner team your mom won't let me sign you up for, huh?"

Immediately after hearing the story of the bully's attack from his tearful son, Zerbe phoned Kalish's father to demand that the two meet to discuss the situation over a game of pool at a local tavern.

After Birth

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