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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man Loses All Control Of Face While Thinking

BELLEVILLE, IL—Scientists observing the behavior of local man David Berham told reporters on Monday that the 34-year-old, remarkably, is completely unable to control his facial muscles whenever he has to process information of any kind. “As soon as Mr. Berham’s brain engages with even a simple question or concept, his mouth and forehead immediately begin to contract and relax of their own accord,” Johns Hopkins University’s Dr. Paula Kirchman told reporters, noting that while he is thinking, Berham’s facial expressions have absolutely no relation to his current mind state or to any type of recognizable human emotions. “Sometimes, while he is engaged in the process of conscious thought, a look of either utter disgust or incredible pain will appear on Mr. Berham’s face and stay there for minutes on end, an expression he is completely unaware that he is making. However, just as often, he will spend this entire period of time with his mouth agape, his eyes dead, and his every facial feature drooped, as though he has slipped into an unconscious or prolonged vegetative state.” Dr. Kirchman added that preliminary medical research shows that, while engaged in thought, Berham’s facial structure is externally most akin to that of either a fucking idiot or a big fucking moron.

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