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Area Man Loses All Control Of Face While Thinking

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Area Man Loses All Control Of Face While Thinking

BELLEVILLE, IL—Scientists observing the behavior of local man David Berham told reporters on Monday that the 34-year-old, remarkably, is completely unable to control his facial muscles whenever he has to process information of any kind. “As soon as Mr. Berham’s brain engages with even a simple question or concept, his mouth and forehead immediately begin to contract and relax of their own accord,” Johns Hopkins University’s Dr. Paula Kirchman told reporters, noting that while he is thinking, Berham’s facial expressions have absolutely no relation to his current mind state or to any type of recognizable human emotions. “Sometimes, while he is engaged in the process of conscious thought, a look of either utter disgust or incredible pain will appear on Mr. Berham’s face and stay there for minutes on end, an expression he is completely unaware that he is making. However, just as often, he will spend this entire period of time with his mouth agape, his eyes dead, and his every facial feature drooped, as though he has slipped into an unconscious or prolonged vegetative state.” Dr. Kirchman added that preliminary medical research shows that, while engaged in thought, Berham’s facial structure is externally most akin to that of either a fucking idiot or a big fucking moron.

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