adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Maps Out Drinking Strategy

POCATELLO, ID—Leaving no part of his evening of inebriation to chance, real estate broker Kyle Burtz meticulously laid out his drinking strategy Saturday night, from the number and type of drinks and the time needed to consume them, to the amount of money he would take with him to ensure a burrito on the walk home. "At approximately 8:30 this evening, I will eat precisely two Stouffer's french bread pizzas to properly line my stomach for the 4.5 beers I will imbibe at Shakey's Pub," Burtz said. "From there, I will fastidiously adhere to a single kind of alcohol—provided there is not a special on Jameson—and complement every drink with a glass of water, until such time as I see fit to stumble into the parking lot and throw up on a small shrub." Burtz' strategy did not reportedly contain a contingency plan for his friend Jon buying everyone shots at 12:30 a.m.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close