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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Man Maps Out Drinking Strategy

POCATELLO, ID—Leaving no part of his evening of inebriation to chance, real estate broker Kyle Burtz meticulously laid out his drinking strategy Saturday night, from the number and type of drinks and the time needed to consume them, to the amount of money he would take with him to ensure a burrito on the walk home. "At approximately 8:30 this evening, I will eat precisely two Stouffer's french bread pizzas to properly line my stomach for the 4.5 beers I will imbibe at Shakey's Pub," Burtz said. "From there, I will fastidiously adhere to a single kind of alcohol—provided there is not a special on Jameson—and complement every drink with a glass of water, until such time as I see fit to stumble into the parking lot and throw up on a small shrub." Burtz' strategy did not reportedly contain a contingency plan for his friend Jon buying everyone shots at 12:30 a.m.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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