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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man Maps Out Drinking Strategy

POCATELLO, ID—Leaving no part of his evening of inebriation to chance, real estate broker Kyle Burtz meticulously laid out his drinking strategy Saturday night, from the number and type of drinks and the time needed to consume them, to the amount of money he would take with him to ensure a burrito on the walk home. "At approximately 8:30 this evening, I will eat precisely two Stouffer's french bread pizzas to properly line my stomach for the 4.5 beers I will imbibe at Shakey's Pub," Burtz said. "From there, I will fastidiously adhere to a single kind of alcohol—provided there is not a special on Jameson—and complement every drink with a glass of water, until such time as I see fit to stumble into the parking lot and throw up on a small shrub." Burtz' strategy did not reportedly contain a contingency plan for his friend Jon buying everyone shots at 12:30 a.m.

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