adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man May Have Lied About Having Sex

WENATCHEE, WA–Accusations are mounting in the sexual-misconduct investigation of Wenatchee resident Kenneth Briggs. "I am in possession of taped conversations proving that Briggs had sex with waitress Tina Pruitt, then urged her to lie about it," federal prosecutor Oliver Schill said. "I strongly urge Briggs to come forward now and admit the truth before more time and taxpayers' money is wasted." Though hearings have not yet begun, a number of Wenatchee residents are already calling for Briggs to step down from his position as a third-shift gas-station attendant.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close