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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Man May Never Find Out If Condom In Wallet Is Still Good

OMAHA, NE—Donald Muller, a 33-year-old Omaha near-virgin, may never find out if the Ramses Extra Sensitive condom in his wallet is still good, it was reported Monday. "I really hope it hasn't deteriorated in the past three years," Muller said of the birth-control device, which was first inserted into his wallet in March 1996, prior to a St. Patrick's Day party that "didn't pan out." "I don't really have any particularly strong leads right now, but it'd be nice to know I was prepared just in case anything came up." Muller, who bought the condom in 1993 as part of a box of 12, said he hopes to strike up a conversation Sunday with a woman who uses the same laundromat as him.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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