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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Man Meets That Special Someone Else

DENVER—Husband and father of three Hank Glass, 37, told reporters Monday that his life finally has a purpose now that he has met that special someone else, 42-year-old waitress Debra Nelson.

"There was a point where I thought I'd never fill this empty void, and that I'd be all alone with my wife and children forever," said Glass, who claimed that he and Nelson first crossed paths at the most unlikely time: during his son's birthday dinner. "I knew right then and there that she was the other woman for me."

Glass admitted that he was so in love, he couldn't wait to tell almost the whole world.

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